My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.


I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Accept what I don’t have control of

During my recent therapy session I took what I have been struggling with and discussed how the feelings of abandonment are easily triggered.  I realized with help that a huge part of my past is what has continued in my adult life. Until I recognized that acceptance of my past is the only way to take control of my feelings.

Acceptance, sounds so easily right? Those feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, denial all contribute to our emotions that we hang on to everyday. So I will be working on acceptance, learning to see the familiar feelings I feel when I become instantly angry and hurt. I realize it is going to take work, my therapist says to accept is one of the hardest things for anyone to do, not just me.

So what does acceptance look or feel like? Well I imagine it will be realizing I can discuss things without becoming angry or rageful. To start to feel my feelings as I have slowly started to do.  That discussions and thoughts aren’t simply black and white, which is one of the most common traits of BPD .

I may not overcome BPD completely, but I will continue as much as possible to heal the scars that have run my life. See inside all of us is a little person who needs to be nurtured. My desire is to learn when “she” starts stomping her feet demanding to be heard. Only to start to realize that the reason she comes out is because her needs weren’t met when she needed them most.

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Riding the wave of emotions

I have a mental illness… who doesn’t right?

The problem with my BPD is that my emotions are reactive or as some say “triggered”.  I have continually struggled with my “all or nothing” emotions or some would say “black and white thinking”.

So I go to therapy, I have for several years, I have learned so many helpful coping tools, yet when I am faced with the feelings of being abandoned whether it be friendships or something else, I feel incredibly hurt. Some people don’t react to things like this, some roll it off their back.  Some say step outside your safe box and meet more people, all of which I have done and do ok with it until friendships develop that are no longer acquaintances. Once change happens, it’s like I dove in head first and then “it” happens…… what I call the “shiny new toy” comes along and suddenly I am put aside as I am no longer “shiny”.

I have spoken to my therapist about this and I have tried distracting myself and it isn’t always easy.  Today those coping skills didn’t really do much and I have to accept that I am going to have those days. I am very familiar with the “all or nothing” feeling or “black and white” thinking. I have been told that emotions are like waves the key is to not get retriggered. I have yet to figure out how to “not” becomes retriggered.

So Sunday I sign off, I think  I need to blog more, this helped a lot.





The Depth

This entire day has been an eye opener. It has left me feeling broken, threatened, anxious and overwhelmed.  I’ve started to realize that the core of my issues come from my childhood. Stuff that I didn’t even think about till I’m in my therapy session and it is during a quiet moment that the thoughts come to me, asking me to talk about them. It isn’t easy…..

That trauma from a major surgery years ago, can cause psychological problems now blows my mind. To feel like I’m broken, like a jigsaw puzzle, pieces that stay the same and some that change. However like the sky, pieces will get bigger, as it does at night.

Finding My Way Back is the title of my blog and I guess this is yet another way towards doing that. But feeling broken, ashamed and like a failure there’s no feeling like it. Even when you know the feelings and fears aren’t of your doing, I’m left with the result that I hope will work itself out with therapy.

This affects all my relationships as I have fears of emotional attachment to I back away. My therapist says it is my way of taking control. I also don’t like to feel needy to anyone. Yet my therapist said that feeling needy is also a positive way to feel vulnerable.

I’m at a crossroad.




Now I know why

The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you’ve lost your appetite.

–Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert  Pressman, The Narcissistic Family

I am no longer alone….

I am so thankful to my caseworker who recommended that I read:

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It isn’t an easy read, many parts hit very close to the point of exactly my life. I take moments to read and I also give myself permission to take a break and process.  It is painful, that my life turned out this way.

The family with a narcissistic mother operates according to a unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible — not heard, seen, and nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?

When I read that, it hit me in ways I can’t even say. This sums up my life, all of it. Yet, I know when I get ready to hit send to post my blog, there is that “little girl” who is afraid of “pissing off” my mother, but I have started to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to look after my “little girl”.

I haven’t figured out if my dad is apart of this dynamic or not, he passed away when I was 7 years old.

I feel like I have more questions, than I did before.

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Mental Illness and False Beliefs

Never would I have seen the two connected, yet for me they are. The childhood trauma, emotional and mental abuse I endured, caused me to create beliefs that have been to protect me. Not being taught about how to control my emotions, or to feel loved and abandoned, I have carried my beliefs with me […]

I Have The Power

To say my life has been quiet is ridiculous.  I’ve been attending therapy more often, because I am being activated and having my therapist to talk to helps me find my way through the chaos.

She keeps saying through our sessions that I have the power and can say no anytime I want. It feels very uncomfortable and scary. I said yesterday that I feel like one half of my body is my little girl and the other half is the adult.

She also wanted to put it out there that a lot of my dark emotions are historical, meaning they aren’t in the present. She recommended to me that when there comes a time and the emotions are so intense, look inside and see if they are present or historical. If they are historical, you can put them in a box, not to be forgotten, just not to be dealt with at that moment.

How does one say “I have the power” or I take back my power to those who have damaged you deeply? It sounds easier than it really is. Emotional and mental abuse is very damaging on a long-term scale. It is going on 5-6 years of steady therapy and group work to help me get my rage to a tolerable level. I still don’t cry, most of the time I abuse myself with my eating disorder, but if it is my animals then I know I will become very emotional.

I plan on writing more, and seeing how that helps me.


5 years

I learned something very valuable today, a day of which is my last day in group therapy where I am at for a minimum of 6 months of what is called a step out.  I learned I have been in group therapy for 5 years and it just seems very significant as the changes that have been happening little by little can be scary. I’m not used to people saying I’m an inspiration or that they relate to what I share, yet at the same time it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone.

I’ve been working on a piece of writing for over a week now and I feel it’s time to put it into my blog.

“Learning to accept that if you blame or find fault doesn’t mean it has to be this way for me to start to feel the sadness and grief of the losses surrounding my heart.

That learning it is ok to start the process of removing the cracks of cement around my heart.

That the heavy feeling in my diaphragm is telling me it is time to start facing my issues.

Just because I am choosing to move forward doesn’t mean I’m forgetting my life experiences because I won’t, it makes up who I am and I am choosing to let go of the emotions and baggage so I can start to learn how to love me and enjoy peace in my soul.”




Working through

It used to be that I wrote daily, but for awhile now I have been reluctant to do so. You see, I have been doing some very painful trauma therapy and things have started to reveal themselves and they are very painful.

I’ve also been working with the topic of forgiveness. So for those that don’t know what that means, it means that I am working on forgiving myself and the other person but not forget what it was I endured.

So I’m in conflict and shock. Shock that one of the painful beliefs I have protected since childhood, revealed that I am really angry at my dad for dying, just as much as I am at my mom for not protecting me, nurturing me or teaching me what it means to trust someone, to love someone, to know what self esteem looks like.

These missed teachings during my childhood, have affected my decisions as an adult. I recognize that I can’t go back and change what I endured, that I can only go forward as an adult making adult decisions. The problem is the working through the conflict of emotions I’ve been experiencing.

I also miss my sister and my nephews. I forgive my nephews for they don’t know any better. But my sister, I feel so many emotions and yet, I know how different she and I are.

I think the difference between myself and my family of origin is I am facing everything and it is painful. But I know if I don’t, the pain and the hamster wheel I’ve lived on won’t end.

Now to face the upcoming month of December.

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Under the Grief….. Anger

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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.


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How do you come to terms?

How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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