My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding


I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.

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I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Barbed Wire


I am feeling very, very anxious. You have stirred up so much within me, the saliva that swirls around in my mouth, making me feel nauseous to the point that I can’t stand it.

The years of emotions, that you have pressed down with your wires and thorns have taken away my desire and ability to feel anything other than anger and rage. I don’t even know the last time I cried tears of happiness, let alone tears of sadness.

My fear is that if I take you away by cutting you with wire cutters, disposing of each piece one by one, rumor has it that little by little the buried emotions will come through. However, I can’t risk my BPD flaring so bad that I know I would  be put back in hospital and after 20+ years of staying away from there, this tells me that my fears are very real.

My therapist has said that my BPD doesn’t have to surface, and perhaps that is true, but I don’t see how that can’t be? I mean the biggest thing with BPD is the anger/rage and if you release the other emotions, as much as I would like to feel them, right now I can’t risk it.

So I am left trapped within my own self

 

 

Accept what I don’t have control of


During my recent therapy session I took what I have been struggling with and discussed how the feelings of abandonment are easily triggered.  I realized with help that a huge part of my past is what has continued in my adult life. Until I recognized that acceptance of my past is the only way to take control of my feelings.

Acceptance, sounds so easily right? Those feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, denial all contribute to our emotions that we hang on to everyday. So I will be working on acceptance, learning to see the familiar feelings I feel when I become instantly angry and hurt. I realize it is going to take work, my therapist says to accept is one of the hardest things for anyone to do, not just me.

So what does acceptance look or feel like? Well I imagine it will be realizing I can discuss things without becoming angry or rageful. To start to feel my feelings as I have slowly started to do.  That discussions and thoughts aren’t simply black and white, which is one of the most common traits of BPD .

I may not overcome BPD completely, but I will continue as much as possible to heal the scars that have run my life. See inside all of us is a little person who needs to be nurtured. My desire is to learn when “she” starts stomping her feet demanding to be heard. Only to start to realize that the reason she comes out is because her needs weren’t met when she needed them most.

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Riding the wave of emotions


I have a mental illness… who doesn’t right?

The problem with my BPD is that my emotions are reactive or as some say “triggered”.  I have continually struggled with my “all or nothing” emotions or some would say “black and white thinking”.

So I go to therapy, I have for several years, I have learned so many helpful coping tools, yet when I am faced with the feelings of being abandoned whether it be friendships or something else, I feel incredibly hurt. Some people don’t react to things like this, some roll it off their back.  Some say step outside your safe box and meet more people, all of which I have done and do ok with it until friendships develop that are no longer acquaintances. Once change happens, it’s like I dove in head first and then “it” happens…… what I call the “shiny new toy” comes along and suddenly I am put aside as I am no longer “shiny”.

I have spoken to my therapist about this and I have tried distracting myself and it isn’t always easy.  Today those coping skills didn’t really do much and I have to accept that I am going to have those days. I am very familiar with the “all or nothing” feeling or “black and white” thinking. I have been told that emotions are like waves the key is to not get retriggered. I have yet to figure out how to “not” becomes retriggered.

So Sunday I sign off, I think  I need to blog more, this helped a lot.

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The Depth


This entire day has been an eye opener. It has left me feeling broken, threatened, anxious and overwhelmed.  I’ve started to realize that the core of my issues come from my childhood. Stuff that I didn’t even think about till I’m in my therapy session and it is during a quiet moment that the thoughts come to me, asking me to talk about them. It isn’t easy…..

That trauma from a major surgery years ago, can cause psychological problems now blows my mind. To feel like I’m broken, like a jigsaw puzzle, pieces that stay the same and some that change. However like the sky, pieces will get bigger, as it does at night.

Finding My Way Back is the title of my blog and I guess this is yet another way towards doing that. But feeling broken, ashamed and like a failure there’s no feeling like it. Even when you know the feelings and fears aren’t of your doing, I’m left with the result that I hope will work itself out with therapy.

This affects all my relationships as I have fears of emotional attachment to I back away. My therapist says it is my way of taking control. I also don’t like to feel needy to anyone. Yet my therapist said that feeling needy is also a positive way to feel vulnerable.

I’m at a crossroad.

WayneDyer

 

 

Now I know why


The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you’ve lost your appetite.

–Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert  Pressman, The Narcissistic Family

I am no longer alone….

I am so thankful to my caseworker who recommended that I read:

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It isn’t an easy read, many parts hit very close to the point of exactly my life. I take moments to read and I also give myself permission to take a break and process.  It is painful, that my life turned out this way.

The family with a narcissistic mother operates according to a unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible — not heard, seen, and nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?

When I read that, it hit me in ways I can’t even say. This sums up my life, all of it. Yet, I know when I get ready to hit send to post my blog, there is that “little girl” who is afraid of “pissing off” my mother, but I have started to remind myself that I am the adult and it is my job to look after my “little girl”.

I haven’t figured out if my dad is apart of this dynamic or not, he passed away when I was 7 years old.

I feel like I have more questions, than I did before.

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Mental Illness and False Beliefs


Never would I have seen the two connected, yet for me they are. The childhood trauma, emotional and mental abuse I endured, caused me to create beliefs that have been to protect me. Not being taught about how to control my emotions, or to feel loved and abandoned, I have carried my beliefs with me since then.

Now my trauma therapy has me examining and observing my beliefs. Its not easy, to examine something you thought was the “right” thing all your life. Here I am 40+ years later and I know the gradual changes will help lift the weight off my shoulders, however, right now its hard to challenge those beliefs. My therapist is excellent at helping me see the thought pattern.

I wonder how many others feel like me? How did you get through this?

I thought long and hard on whether to even write this, because I felt I wouldn’t have anything contribute let alone share.

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I Have The Power


To say my life has been quiet is ridiculous.  I’ve been attending therapy more often, because I am being activated and having my therapist to talk to helps me find my way through the chaos.

She keeps saying through our sessions that I have the power and can say no anytime I want. It feels very uncomfortable and scary. I said yesterday that I feel like one half of my body is my little girl and the other half is the adult.

She also wanted to put it out there that a lot of my dark emotions are historical, meaning they aren’t in the present. She recommended to me that when there comes a time and the emotions are so intense, look inside and see if they are present or historical. If they are historical, you can put them in a box, not to be forgotten, just not to be dealt with at that moment.

How does one say “I have the power” or I take back my power to those who have damaged you deeply? It sounds easier than it really is. Emotional and mental abuse is very damaging on a long-term scale. It is going on 5-6 years of steady therapy and group work to help me get my rage to a tolerable level. I still don’t cry, most of the time I abuse myself with my eating disorder, but if it is my animals then I know I will become very emotional.

I plan on writing more, and seeing how that helps me.