My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding


I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.

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I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

I got lost


LostNo worries, nothing bad happened to me.

I think with the tail end of my therapy groups, the very hot weather where I live, my spouse has been away for 7 weeks, plus changing my eating and exercising habits, I suddenly had no desire to write because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the blogging sphere.

So today is the first time in a long time that I feel down. Hard to say exactly what has brought it on, but I am reminding myself that its ok to feel down, and pamper myself.

My garden has done ok, but my strawberries and sugar peas didn’t do well, the hot weather whithered them. Yet my cherry tomatoes and beef steak tomatoes are flourishing. I also have my very first green pepper growing!

I have started working with a new therapist. I’ve had 3 sessions with her and I’m just not sure about her. She isn’t into “talk therapy” she is more about working on the inside and bringing out the emotions that are trapped deep within me. She explained a lot to me yesterday about how we will go about things, which I understand better.

However, when we were booking my next session, the time she offered I said I couldn’t because I had a psychiatrist appointment. She commented if it was talk therapy and I said no, its more about medication checking, seeing how I am etc. She asked if he is open to me coming off of them, I said ultimately I would like that but I do realize that may not happend and I am truly at peace with that. I told her I am bipolar II and that I have been diagnosed borderline personality. She said she doesn’t work with labels and that they don’t exist. I said of course they do, its genetic in my family. She replied that when a person is in love or is sad, we don’t medicate them do we? I said no, but that is completely different.

I exercise everyday and I know i have an addiction, yet it has also helped me in many ways.  i feel more energetic, I get out of the house and take my dogs to an off leash park three to four times a week weather depending. I’ve joined weight watchers and it has really improved my way of eating and the support group is my favorite activity. I am encouraged when others overcome an obstacle I may be going through or may go through at some point. I’ve started becoming more aware of what my body does when I am overtired, how it craves surgar and how my eating disorder will play into that.

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to be re-entered into the eating disorder program. This is my second time going into it. I’m ok with that because now I am familiar with some of what is covered so it won’t be so overwheming. Its still for 18 months.

So tell me, what’s new with you?

Disassociation


I’ve known for many years that I disassociate. What this means is I don’t feel much other than anger/rage and anxiety. I haven’t cried in so long, that I can’t even tell you the last time, probably when my dog Rizzo passed away and that was about 4 years ago.

I realized yesterday at my group, that it is very possible I, in terms of the years of abuse I endured, have a subconsciou fear that the pain will happen again. I have layers of dissappointment, which I have transferred to many of my relationships in my life, even the unhealthy ones. I would unconditionally trust right off the bat, instead stepping in slowly and learning about one another. I realized that this behavior comes from not having my needs met as a child. I don’t wish to blame my childhood for everything that makes/made me who I am, but connecting the dots does help.

I will be doing some one on one therapy with this because I have layers of deep emotion/grief that I would like to work through.

I like to see this as growth.

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The Sting


You know I’ve never denied that I have “blank” spots in my memory. In fact, I try very hard to remember as much as I can. Years of mental, physical, emotional abuse caused my brain to “protect” my traumatised thoughts. Every now and again, when there isn’t a traumatic event and the place is calm and safe, I may have a memory return; sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Today’s happened to be in a place not expected, but then most aren’t where I expect them to happen. I’m not going to get into all the how’s and wherefores, let’s just say it came from a place I never dreamed of. My past has a way of creeping up on  me, when I least expect it. When something is brought to my attention, depending on what it is, can depend on how I will respond.

I was a very messed up, confused teenager. I did not have a diagnosis like I do now. I made plenty of mistakes and many choices were made as a result of the dysfunction in my home as well.  I was not stable, I know this now. When words are said to me that go back to that place, it feels like a “nail into my heart”. I felt ashamed that my past was that bad and moreso when I was reminded.

The sting felt far and wide inside of me; I contacted a friend who has been in my former group programs and we bounced it off one another. I just needed that person to help me filter and process it.

Words can sting especially when all one needs to do is “open mouth and insert foot”.

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Triggers and Facebook


What is it with people posting and others responding with the feeling they can bully someone for posting on their own wall?Earlier this week I experienced bullying myself and it triggered me because I hate derogatory comments and flame wars not to mention the social broadcasting of a family death over Facebook without even notifying me privately.

Social media has really desensitized people, in my opinion. No longer do I see any consideration of what a person may feel, its just put out there with no regard for anyone but the person on the other end of the computer, who seems to take pride in hoping to encourage an argument where everyone can see and contribute to or cast stones and judgment.

So how does one get through this? Most of the time I either scroll past it on my timeline, or if the person is seen as a constant s***t disturber, then I simply remove them. Drama lama’s take up too much space. My mental health needs as much calm and peace as I can arrange.

I’ve taken to my treadmill daily, I find it helps to focus on the endorphins while I am watching a comedy on Crave or Netflix. If anyone is looking for a fantastic British comedy, check Absolutely Fabulous. It has really gotten me through some stressful moments as of late. Plus, it makes my work outs go amazingly fast LOL!

Well this weekend is going to be hot, hot, hot, so I am going to be in my air conditioned home, making sure to use my treadmill and spending time with my pets. One of my favorite events is on tomorrow, horse racing – The Belmont, I’m curious to see if American Pharoah will attain the elusive Triple Crown, not achieved since 1978 when Secretariat won it.

In the mean time, be kind to one another – perhaps think before you speak, you may not realize how you affect the person on the otherside of the computer screen.

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Lack of family doctors, death, and mortality


Where do I start? Its been one hell of a 36 hours. First my cousin passed away yesterday. She had suffered with cancer and thankfully passed peacefully at home. She was in her 40’s. Then if that weren’t bad enough, I learn of this on social media! What is it with people blabbing private family matters before everyone in the immediate family knows? Has social media desensitized everyone so badly that privacy no longer means anything?

As if that weren’t challenging enough, a childhood friend died tragicially and unexpectedly yesterday. It has hit a lot of my high school community and friends hard. Friends far and wide have expressed how sad and home sick they feel about our friend’s death.

I struggle with emotions. I am great at expressing anger and anxiety, but horrible with showing emotions of sadness. What this means is I internalize and when the feelings become too much, my body releases that stress by increased headaches, nausea, diarrhea etc. late last night, I was overcome with intense cramping, sweating and such. This is how I realized I had too much stress within my body. I didn’t even work out today, that is how exhausted I am. But, because of my OCD, I keep looking at my treadmill and feeling like I am betraying myself, but I have to believe that is my eating disorder talking and not my body.

Now if this weren’t enough, recently my family doctor abruptly closed due to health reasons. We were given a referral, made an appointment, saw the doctor were under the impression we were now ok to have a new doctor, nope, received a call last Friday that he felt were not going to be a good fit for his office. This blew me away! I’ve never had a doctor turn a patient away before, let alone go for an interview. Today after trying several avenue’s to even find a list of possible doctor’s taking on new patients, most,if not all, on that list were no longer taken patients! So what is the purpose of this list anyways?

I went to a doctor today, filled out an application which is really you filling out your bio, medications you take etc. The receptionist called this afternoon and I have a “meet and greet” on Monday. Seriously this whole “doctor can decide if you are  good fit for his practice” is wrong. It used to be that you, the patient  to be, were the one to interview the doctor.

I’ve been knocked down, but I’m not out!

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Feeling the BPD and Bipolar


Well life sure has its ups and downs. I’ve had a roller coaster lately that’s for sure. After my laptop crapped out, I was relying on my cell phone for my social media connection and let me tell you I’ve done a blog off of it before and decided it wouldn’t happen again lol.

So my 6 month group came to an end this past Wednesday and i’ve felt several waves of emotions. The ladies I spent time with are wanting to get together weekly, to be honest, I’m not optomistic that will go on for long, but I know that it will be a good thing for it to continue. We all need support.

Bipolar and BPD have flared with all the overwhelmed feelings I have had going on. I’ve been obsessive compulsive with everything and it has been a huge trigger with my eating disorder. I am grateful I have a friend from my eating disorder program who I reached out and we talked it through.

My partner leaves on Monday for about a month, its a yearly trip but not one I am to thrilled with.

I’ve been really busy with a fundraiser for an abandoned dog and am really hoping he will get the surgery he needs.

I’m hoping to write more often now that I have a new laptop there is a lot to update on, but I am not up to typing everything right now.  Oh and our family doctor closed his practice and we went and saw a referred physician and they called us on Friday and said that they didn’t have time that they felt we would need. I have no idea what the hell means, except I don’t do well with being left hanging, granted I don’t need a family doctor like I once did, but I still want one for other things.

Right now I’m about adjusting to all these changes and they are difficult to say the least.

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Angel Babies


Things like Mothers Day, Christmas, etc. always stir up many conflicted emotions for me and while many say that they are enjoying their Mother’s day, others say it is just a day. I wish I even had a day. My Angel babies are gone but never forgotten. They would have been 10 and 11 years old. I realize that life is what it is and there is always a reason even if you don’t know what it is. I do cherish that positive pregnancy test I saw for both of my babies, they soothe my heart to know that I did create a life even if he/she didn’t make it to term.

I just want people to realize that this day can be quite painful for mom’s too. So please remember that there are others out there who are mothers, but just with babies in their heart until they can meet again.

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