My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.


I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Self care

Hi bloggers!!

Having a mental illness challenges us in many ways. Self care, for me, is most important.

I have come to learn what helps to self soothe and why. For me incense (Indian spice scent), meditation, my salt rock remind me that I am safe. A warm shower, where I envision being in a waterfall as the warm water falls upon me.

What do you do for self care?

#love #survivor #Imatter #mentalhealth

Wishes Can Come True

Many a holiday season, I struggle with depression and not going anywhere. Like many, I would and have said many things, even to good friends who were holding get togethers Christmas Eve. I felt so much shame that was misplaced.

Shame really damages and can scar (I have mine and the struggle is real). Society still preaches that body image are a must if you want success. Perfection, I struggle with this regularly, until I was reminded that perfection isn’t real.

Ok, I digressed lol, the last few months I have been making conscious choices that help me. By making these healthy choices, my desire to go out socially has improved.

So to has this Christmas season. This year my partner was home, I felt really loved. We went to see family for Christmas dinner.

Being with my cousin and her family, an extension of what we were as children, a new generation full of silliness, laughter and stories.

I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It isn’t very often that dreams can come true.

#mentalhealth #christmas #family #health #love #cousins #joy

How do I deal and manage my mental health during the holidays?

For so so long I have had such difficulty with the holidays. Your blog shows me how grateful I am for my healing journey and for myself I started volunteering and I absolutely love it.

Defying Shadows

The holiday season is a bad time for me because nearly three years ago my mum died just after Christmas. Since this time if I am honest, I have not celebrated it like I used to. It has left a massive void in my heart. But this year although I feel sad, I am going to try to make an effort, as when mum was well, she loved Christmas. I am trying to remind myself what Christmas is about so as a Christian, will try to get involved with my church by getting involved with the activities that are going on.

I often find Christmas overwhelming and feel anxious and depressed especially if I cannot afford to buy a load of presents. However, I am reminding myself it is not all about spending loads of money, a little token gift is just as good and it is the thought that…

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Changing your words

I always look for as much in positive words as I can. With the world in such turmoil, finding ways to keep the negative energy out, I visualize a pink bubble and I’m inside watching all those words and negative words bounce off.

Today in my inbox I receive daily messages from a site called The Universe, check out their link.

I really like that I get positive words daily.

Here is today’s message,

S, today don’t say or think “I’m tired”, “I’m hurt”, I’m angry”. Don’t even think or say “I’m happy”.

Instead, think and say I have chosen to be tired, hurt, angry.” Or better still “I’m choosing to be happy.”

You don’t get “hit” by feelings, you feel them based on your perceptions, based on your beliefs, and you believe as you choose.

You are your words.

The Universe

#thoughts # selflove #positive #words #mentalhealth

What Would You Do?

Good Morning Bloggerverse!🤗

December is a challenging month for me. I would use trigger, but for me it seems too easy and I mentally work better with challenge because you can overcome a challenge.

I have been sick since Oct. 31/18. Started as a virus and I am not a big rusher to the doctor kinda girl. One week later my left side my ribs were really sore, a trip to the e/r said that I was coughing too hard and pulled some muscles but he noticed on my chest xray some fluid in my right lower lung. I was told it was a mild pneumonia.

I was given some antibiotics, turns out I have an allergy to them. 4 days later I went to a different hospital as the rib pain was so bad I could barely move my arm.

Thankfully the pneumonia was improving, but my muscles between my ribs had been overstretched from coughing. This time I actually asked for stronger medication and was given 3 injections, talk about relief!

So, here I am 6 weeks later, I’m still in pain with my left side ribs, coughing has changed from one color to another 🤑 and my heating pad is my best friend.

Do I go back to the doctor’s again?

#health #body #mentalhealth

Conflict and Boundaries

#boundaries #volunteering #compromise #toomuch

I’m frustrated, the words are just going to fly out of my fingers.

During the week I pick up and drop off a child at the bus stop. I have to be there at 7am.

We are down to one vehicle, my car, as my partner’s is having some issues. I drive it for quick trips and that is not a problem.

Problem? This week my partner would like me to do a errand for him. Normally it would not be a problem, but I don’t know how I am to drop him off for 7am and be back in time for my job. If we leave super early, in rush hour, he would be at work very early outdoors.

I would be pushing it to get home in time for mine

The second is the errand which is over an hour away. I could go in the morning but later.

I also volunteer and at the moment my shift starts at 930am, so we compromise and I drop my partner off at his work and I would go on my way. But with my 7am start, I wouldn’t be able to be at my volunteer job til closer to 10am.

I dislike this feeling of what’s important to me, sliding away. I love to volunteer, there is a sense of pride when I am there doing what I do.

Birthdays and Holidays

Good Sunday Morning Bloggerland!!🤗

Today is my sister’s birthday. I am mulling over what to do.

To give a brief breakdown, my bio family is dysfunctional in all sense of the word. However my sister who was the youngest, I looked out for her and she me. But, like a lot of things in life, can and do change.

I made a decision earlier this year to not have my sister or mother on any of my social media simply because it was the only way to break the years of mental and emotional abuse. My sister has a life, but it has come with her own cycle.

1. I am afraid if I call her I will get the riot act (the eggs shells of past).

2. If I text her or send an e-card, texting seems so impersonal.

I asked my partner his thoughts. He said quite simply, the negative reinforcement that my BIL has created and the wall he has built between you two, if you call her, she most likely won’t answer because he will make her day awful, if you send an e-card the reaction may be the same and he said that he knows I would not be able to handle it if I didn’t hear a response.

Suggestion? To text her on her cell or social media.

I guess I have to do what I can live with as I may not get the response I want/need.

#family #health #birthdays #holidays #mentalhealth #confusion #love #sister

Carrot App

A blogger who is also a friend of mine, SunnyJane, wrote a great blog on a download application that I am going to give a try. I think any readers of mine should hop on over to her link: About The Steps.

If you decide to join, please use my personal bonus code when you sign up for Carrot and earn 50% more points on me! Plus we get to cheer each other on !!


How Do I Process?

Lately this time of year affects my mental health. I feel angry very quickly or I become manic. Yes, I am mindful of my bipolar, but when I had a conversation with my therapist it seems my brain is trying to process a lot.

Here is why…

I love volunteering with Children’s hospital. But the biggest deterrent I get is, “but it’s so far”. I tell people that for the once or twice a month I do it, plus its something I really love. I even had to explain that to my neighbor.

The time I have with my neighbor’s son in the morning until the bus comes, on those days unless pre arranged, I do not feel I have to rearrange my schedule.

I forgot to mention that I had a bad car accident in a dream recently, just before I woke up. It was a clear vision, C. was driving, it was dark and someone rammed my side of my car. To understand better, I was t-boned twice and rear ended all within a 6 month period.

I haven’t had any dreams like this since my last accident ( I just realized that today is an anniversary of my 2nd one).

The holiday season is a time for joy for some, but not for me. This year I turn 50 two days before Christmas, I don’t want any large party, that’s not me. C. will be away.

I have thought about getting more volunteer hours, but understandably it is encouraged by the doctors that the families go home if they can.

Lastly, although I am sure not, I have been a listening ear to those who have been going through Domestic abuse, some have gotten away and some have not.

I left a DV relationship and have worked long and hard in my recovery. I chose to listen to others as I know what it was like to not have anyone around me physically to support me.

#mentalhealth #bipolar #volunteer #holidays #domesticabuse #trigger

You Are Who You Have Been Looking For

backlit balance beach cloud
Photo by Pixabay on

I came across this post in my Facebook feed this afternoon and for the first time, outside of my therapy, has anything come close to reminding me “I Am Who Have Been Looking For.”

Please, for anyone who is struggling with their identity, just know that no matter what society says who you “should” be, remember you know who you are and no one has the right to judge you or to try to manipulate you.

Leave a comment letting me know your thoughts.

#positive #love #mentalhealth #youtube