My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.


I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

R.I.P. Sweet Tika


I wanted to share with my readers the passing of my sweet girl Tika. She meant a lot to me.

Originally posted on Everyday Wiggles:

Rainbow Bridge

We mourn the sudden loss of our 13 year old dog, Tika.  It appears to have happened quickly. We had gone in for our appointment regarding what we thought was the onset of seizures. Her heart had expanded and was pressing against her spine. There was some edema as well. We had no clue that this was what we were dealing with. Unfortunately her age and being a small breed makes this common. She could have simply passed due to virtually anything, she was fine in the car when we put her in so she had a quiet space. On our drive home, she wanted to go from the front to the back and lay down, had we known that she was dying then, we wouldn’t have left the vet. I am however, grateful, that I kept checking in on her and when I knew something was terribly wrong, I…

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How does being defensive help you?

Do you get defensive when someone questions you? Using your defensive skills may help your mental illness or eating disorder function in several ways.

  1. Denial: You completely reject the thought or feeling. “My eating disorder isn’t that big a problem; I can make it stop if I really put my mind to it.”
  2. Suppression: You are vaguely aware of the thought or feeling, but try to hide it. “My “X” is causing my friends to stop calling me but it hurts to feel the truth, so I don’t think about it much.”
  3. Reaction Formation: You turn the feeling into its opposite. “I’m just fine: happy, in control and bound to become more popular/successful.” 
  4. Projection: You think someone else has your thought or feeling. “I can’t believe how obsessed my aunt is with food and weight.”
  5. Displacement: You redirect your feelings to another target. “The problem isn’t my ED; it is that my parents to invasive and controlling.”
  6. Rationalization: you come up with various explanations to justify the situation (while denying your feelings). “Having a mental illness and/or eating disorder helps me develop self-control, which it will be useful to succeed in life.”
  7. Intellectualization: A type of rationalization, only more intellectualized. “My mental health disorder/eating disorder has arisen because of extensional confusion and I need it because it gives me life structure and meaning.”
  8. Regression: You revert to an old, usually immature behavior to ventilate your feelings. “Life is too hard and I just want to be taken care of.” 

Personally, I can relate to all of these at one time or another.

How about you? Can you relate to any of these? If so, which one(s) and why.

Have an amazing day!

Overwhelmed and feeling Depressed

GreenWelcomeI know I am remiss in keeping my blog up to date. This week has been busy with group dialogue and learning. Between learning how to ground when you feel anxious, to where on a scale of 1 to 10 not to mention learning what defense mechanism that may function with my eating disorder, I just needed some time to process and by process I mean, not look at anything til today.

I’ve been reading 50 Shades of Grey and I know why I am, it is to escape and let my brain relax. I’ve read books 2 and 3 and saw the movie on Valentine’s Day with my love. Now, I’m reading Book 1. I know, I’m weird lol, but for me now I can visually see the actors in all their parts, plus I can see what the movie didn’t include.

I digress.

I hit a car last weekend. I should reiterate, I hit the bumper as I was reversing backwards to the road, I didn’t realize at first and when I was notified I went and returned to where it happened. It will be handled though my insurance, just not thrilled that even though my liability will take care of everything, it does mean it will go up :(.

Yesterday, I was short fused and I could feel it. Everything has been irritating me and I hate it when this happens. Especially when I don’t know exactly why.

I am worried about one of my dogs. She’s 13 and has started showing signs of what I am quite sure is a seizure. They have happened when I’ve been there and have attended to her. She has been in good health to this point, albeit a cough, but otherwise fine. I will be making arrangements to have her to the vet to get a blood test to see if she is lacking anywhere in nutrients; but at this point I’m confident this is neurological; which can be treated usually with medication and a change in some areas of her diet. Given she is fed a raw diet, its usually just a slight adjustment.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!


Exploring Your Ideal, Authentic and Actual Self

purple butterflyBoy was this is a deep and heavy group this morning! Some things are becoming clearer slowly.

When we look at our “ideal self” this is usually someone else’s view of how we are/should be, (supposed to act). Here is a list of examples for your Ideal Self:

  1. Don’t Cry
  2. Hide Emotion
  3. Deny her/him own feelings
  4. “I’m strong/ I don’t need help”
  5. Might think people don’t care about her/him
  6. Unable to grieve
  7. Fear of letting her/himself being loved
Authentic Self

The best way to describe this area is that you are able to express emotions.

  1. You are able to love
  2. You are able to grieve
  3. You are able to feel (show) emotion
  4. You are able to cry
  5. You can feel safe
  6. You can be vulnerable
  7. You can let yourself be open to be comforted
  8. You can feel happier
  9. You can feel acknowledged

This is where one would ask themselves “who am I”, “who do I want to be?” This is where I find myself. I don’t know who I am, I know who I have been, and how life has changed over time albeit slowly.

  1. Being able to compromise
  2. May feel complicated
  3. Could be striving
  4. May be confused
  5. Trying to find clarity
  6. Feeling fear and frustration
  7. Impatience
  8. How to be (figure out) oneself


Starting to recognize when my BPD is rearing its ugly head

I’ve started to recognize when my BPD is wanting to over take my thoughts. I was talking to my spouse and I told him that I really want to stay present (in our conversation) but I found myself feeling angry, abandoned and frustrated with our conversation. The details of the conversation don’t really matter, what matters is that I said out loud that I am struggling to stay present at this moment.

We continued to talk some more and it helped to think about other ways to stay present. My spouse said perhaps I may need to radically accept that the situation is what it is and that I don’t have control over it. That is very true, but I tell you my BPD, would just kick in its thoughts all negative and very destructive.

I don’t know how things will turn out with our conversation, I hope there will be calmness and understanding. For now, I am trying to settle the emotions I feel on the inside.

I am writing today so I can get the thoughts out and also be able to reflect when I have a bad next time. That I can see that there can be progress, even when I feel like there isn’t.


Learning how to be Assertive and having Boundaries

So I’ve started my next “mini group”, these run for about 4 weeks. This one is on the title above. Yesterday we discussed traditional assumptions. Some of the questions asked were:

  1. Do any of them remind you of rules you learned as a child?
  2. Do you still believe that they apply to you as an adult?

Below I will share two lists, Mistaken Assumption and Legitimate Right. These rights are a reminder that you have a choice about what you believe and that you are no longer an unquestioning child, but rather an adult with alternatives.

I realized that for me to understand Mistaken Assumption I took it mean (learned behaviors), which  helped me quite a bit.

Unfortunately the columns I created seem to be all over the place and I need to figure out how to correct them.



Unspoken Voice

Your rigid views challenge me everyday

I realize I have been this way for a long time.

I hear your voice saying “oh there’s a jiggle” as you grab my inner thigh. I am embarrassed that you would do such a thing.

Now to this day as my weight is a bit higher, I hear your voice as my thighs touch a bit when walking down a hall.

Today I am learning that I am worthy of love

Today I am worthy of self compassion

Today I am worthy of healing