My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.


I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?


Tonight something hit me hard. The kind of hard where the pit of your gut does flip flops, you feel the temperature rise and your knees fall weak.

Long ago when I was married someone did something incredibly cruel to me. I dealt with being shunned by people, my ex dealt with the stress of it all, law enforcement were involved, but it was before there was any task force involving computers and the like.

It took a long time (at least a year) until it was resolved. But the trauma done was intense. It affected my friendships and my marriage. To this day we never did know why the person did what they did.

Tonight a friend on social networking had a status up that at the time I didn’t realize was a joke. As I read it I clicked on the attached link and it took me to my name.  The status talked about someone sharing named pictures and that they have asked that person to stop. In the mean time if we would help by clicking on the link to share and that’s when it took me back to mine. If you haven’t guessed someone posted photos of me that had been photo shopped doing inappropriate and disgusting things.

I just needed to get this out because I need to take some time to process and move passed this.


Manic and then Fatigue

The last few days I’ve been manic. I have been rapid in thoughts, cleaning inside and outside. I raked my yard, cleaned my garden, washed floors, laundry, you name it I’ve done it. Combined with healing from my injections it’s virtually impossible to stay still or not have racing thoughts.

Then I fall asleep, crashing from the energy I’ve exerted. Nightfall comes and I’m awake sometimes till 2 or 3 am.

It’s a struggle.

Everything changes, my cravings for carbs goes up, late night eating increases… So not good for my body dysmorphia issues.

I seek things that give me peace…. Candles, incense, my pets, my partner, but in the middle of the night it’s very difficult as I don’t want to wake my house.

Internalizing Emotions

Image result for internalized emotionsIts been a really, really rough week for me. First with my dog passing away very unexpectedly, to my body withholding grief and stress. I haven’t been able to move my neck/back/trap/shoulder all on my left side. This has taught me something that has become an awakening.

I’ve realized that it isn’t the words that have harmed me, it is the years of emotional trauma and what they have done to me on the inside. I describe it as a ball of yarn or rubber bands, held deep inside my belly. Every time an emotion attempts to feel anything, an extension grabs that emotion and tucks it nicely with the rest.

I realize this is fear.

Image result for internalized emotions

I’ve been hurt and traumatized for so long, that I don’t trust to believe my feelings anymore. That I am consumed with controlling all I can, that it is what’s inside of me that is dying because it can’t come out to live and be expressed.

I’ve been doing work with PTSD in terms of working on my Borderline Personality. I’ve been learning a lot about triggers. No, I don’t know how to prepare for them to be, but I am learning to become aware what makes me upset.

I don’t know how or when the emotions down dark in my belly will come out and release my soul to feel freedom. Perhaps when I am truly at peace with all things my past, that allows me to move forward and embrace my future.

Image result for internalized emotions

R.I.P. Sweet Tika


I wanted to share with my readers the passing of my sweet girl Tika. She meant a lot to me.

Originally posted on Everyday Wiggles:

Rainbow Bridge

We mourn the sudden loss of our 13 year old dog, Tika.  It appears to have happened quickly. We had gone in for our appointment regarding what we thought was the onset of seizures. Her heart had expanded and was pressing against her spine. There was some edema as well. We had no clue that this was what we were dealing with. Unfortunately her age and being a small breed makes this common. She could have simply passed due to virtually anything, she was fine in the car when we put her in so she had a quiet space. On our drive home, she wanted to go from the front to the back and lay down, had we known that she was dying then, we wouldn’t have left the vet. I am however, grateful, that I kept checking in on her and when I knew something was terribly wrong, I…

View original 30 more words

How does being defensive help you?

Do you get defensive when someone questions you? Using your defensive skills may help your mental illness or eating disorder function in several ways.

  1. Denial: You completely reject the thought or feeling. “My eating disorder isn’t that big a problem; I can make it stop if I really put my mind to it.”
  2. Suppression: You are vaguely aware of the thought or feeling, but try to hide it. “My “X” is causing my friends to stop calling me but it hurts to feel the truth, so I don’t think about it much.”
  3. Reaction Formation: You turn the feeling into its opposite. “I’m just fine: happy, in control and bound to become more popular/successful.” 
  4. Projection: You think someone else has your thought or feeling. “I can’t believe how obsessed my aunt is with food and weight.”
  5. Displacement: You redirect your feelings to another target. “The problem isn’t my ED; it is that my parents to invasive and controlling.”
  6. Rationalization: you come up with various explanations to justify the situation (while denying your feelings). “Having a mental illness and/or eating disorder helps me develop self-control, which it will be useful to succeed in life.”
  7. Intellectualization: A type of rationalization, only more intellectualized. “My mental health disorder/eating disorder has arisen because of extensional confusion and I need it because it gives me life structure and meaning.”
  8. Regression: You revert to an old, usually immature behavior to ventilate your feelings. “Life is too hard and I just want to be taken care of.” 

Personally, I can relate to all of these at one time or another.

How about you? Can you relate to any of these? If so, which one(s) and why.

Have an amazing day!

Overwhelmed and feeling Depressed

GreenWelcomeI know I am remiss in keeping my blog up to date. This week has been busy with group dialogue and learning. Between learning how to ground when you feel anxious, to where on a scale of 1 to 10 not to mention learning what defense mechanism that may function with my eating disorder, I just needed some time to process and by process I mean, not look at anything til today.

I’ve been reading 50 Shades of Grey and I know why I am, it is to escape and let my brain relax. I’ve read books 2 and 3 and saw the movie on Valentine’s Day with my love. Now, I’m reading Book 1. I know, I’m weird lol, but for me now I can visually see the actors in all their parts, plus I can see what the movie didn’t include.

I digress.

I hit a car last weekend. I should reiterate, I hit the bumper as I was reversing backwards to the road, I didn’t realize at first and when I was notified I went and returned to where it happened. It will be handled though my insurance, just not thrilled that even though my liability will take care of everything, it does mean it will go up :(.

Yesterday, I was short fused and I could feel it. Everything has been irritating me and I hate it when this happens. Especially when I don’t know exactly why.

I am worried about one of my dogs. She’s 13 and has started showing signs of what I am quite sure is a seizure. They have happened when I’ve been there and have attended to her. She has been in good health to this point, albeit a cough, but otherwise fine. I will be making arrangements to have her to the vet to get a blood test to see if she is lacking anywhere in nutrients; but at this point I’m confident this is neurological; which can be treated usually with medication and a change in some areas of her diet. Given she is fed a raw diet, its usually just a slight adjustment.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!


Exploring Your Ideal, Authentic and Actual Self

purple butterflyBoy was this is a deep and heavy group this morning! Some things are becoming clearer slowly.

When we look at our “ideal self” this is usually someone else’s view of how we are/should be, (supposed to act). Here is a list of examples for your Ideal Self:

  1. Don’t Cry
  2. Hide Emotion
  3. Deny her/him own feelings
  4. “I’m strong/ I don’t need help”
  5. Might think people don’t care about her/him
  6. Unable to grieve
  7. Fear of letting her/himself being loved
Authentic Self

The best way to describe this area is that you are able to express emotions.

  1. You are able to love
  2. You are able to grieve
  3. You are able to feel (show) emotion
  4. You are able to cry
  5. You can feel safe
  6. You can be vulnerable
  7. You can let yourself be open to be comforted
  8. You can feel happier
  9. You can feel acknowledged

This is where one would ask themselves “who am I”, “who do I want to be?” This is where I find myself. I don’t know who I am, I know who I have been, and how life has changed over time albeit slowly.

  1. Being able to compromise
  2. May feel complicated
  3. Could be striving
  4. May be confused
  5. Trying to find clarity
  6. Feeling fear and frustration
  7. Impatience
  8. How to be (figure out) oneself