My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding


I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.

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I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

What Forgiveness is Not


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I have come to realize forgiveness is not an easy task. I have come to realize that there are many things I can forgive, but there are core issues that I hold so tight, they scare me.

So I admit I have A LOT of work to do.

Below is a list of what forgiveness is not provided in a recent session I was in.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. So nothing has been able to turn back the clock and remove the unpleasant incidents from your life histories, and forgiveness will not do that either.  We cannot forget, nor should we. Those experiences, and even the pain caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimized again and about not victimizing others.

Forgetting is not condoning. In fact, true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying or condoning the actions that harmed us.

Forgiveness is not absolution. When we forgive the people who hurt us, we d not “let them off the hook”. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace the past. What’s more, “I absolve you” are words spoken from atop our mountain of self-righteousness and demonstrate that we have not yet healed our wounds or let go of the pain from the past. They let us play God, a benevolent got this time rather than a punitive one, but still a god who judges then condemns or absolves the sinner. Absolution is just another way to be “one up” on the people who hurt us. And that is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice. Forgiveness is not swallowing our true feelings and playing the martyr. The “grin and bear it” approach forgiveness makes life less joyful and more difficult. Actual forgiveness has the opposite effect and cannot be undertaken halfheartedly. We either forgive or we don’t. Being honest about not being ready to forgive yet is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive.

Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision. It cannot be forced. Forgiveness happens naturally as a result of confronting painful past experiences and healing old wounds.

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Pedestals


59054_397950956941420_1785674337_nI realized something as I was at support group last night and that is I put people o pedestals.

Years ago I had to learn the hard way that my father (who passed when I was 7 years old) wasn’t everything I had decided He was. See, I had come to the conclusion that all the things I do/did remember of dad, although they are my memories. the reality is He wasn’t always the person I believed him to be.

Well it has come to smack me in.the face that I do this with most if not all people. I’ve had a past relationship where I saw him as my Knight in shining armor and I believed that He would always have my back and protect me. It was very painful to realize that the pedestal He was on,  just like my dad, was not at all I had thought it was to be.

I’ve been doing some reading and have been learning what “putting someone on a pedestal” means (to me). I have/had done this behavior seeking an idol to reach to become. However, In doing so, I take away the reality that I distance myself from who person really is.

This has been one of my ah ha moments where the insight gained can help me move forward in my journey with wellness.

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When Trust and Responsibility are broken


I write this here instead of my rescue blog because I will be writing about Trust and Responsibility, both of which apply to my mental health blog AND my animal rescue blog.

I volunteer for animal rescue, namely dogs. I have experienced two rescues who have turned what is supposed to be a positive experience into a breaking of trust and responsibility.

When rescue organizations take on dogs, as part of their agreement, regardless if the animal needs medication, spay/neuter/ or surgery, it is the responsibility of the rescue to cover those expenses. Right now a rescue I helped a dog named Zeus receive surgery by fundraising, has closed shop and is no longer taking responsibility for the expenses for Zeus’ surgery or to the spay as well as behavioral issues of another dog I have been made aware of. Phone calls, emails, and text messages have been sent without a reply. This is completely unacceptable. I have been working with other people today to figure out the necessary steps so that Zeus and other dogs who require medical attention, receive it.

The rescue community does not look kindly to those who seek to take advantage of fundraising because those monies are raised in good faith and are recorded on the account to show coverage of medical expense. In Zeus’ case, only $1,000 was shown, and the fundraising raised was $3,200. At this time, there is no accounting of the other funds.  Today a new fundraiser has been set up for Zeus because he now needs his second surgery, things will be handled very differently so that all involved will see where the fundraising monies went to.

Dogs coming into rescue don’t come just from where I am located, they come from all over so it needs to be noted that some non ethical rescues are going to walk away from their dogs no matter where they come from. Ethical rescues don’t, no matter where their dogs come from. Isn’t it time to focus on how rescue is done rather than from where?

I write this blog because I feel it is very important that people know what they should be aware of. I know there are other rescues out there, some are called “flippers” which means they take on dogs strictly for the money. They do not check out the applicant or their home in screening. Some have been known to adopt “right off the truck” so to speak.

Below is a message on the Go Fund Me Page for ZEUS. Please share his link or if you can, please donate as ZEUS is in real need for the surgery – https://funds.gofundme.com/dashboard/rc8y8z4

I am a volunteer, I am not affiliated with any rescue, I have stepped up to help with running Zeus’ Fundraising.He used to be with a rescue but they shut their doors and Zeus’ foster family have been left to attend to Zeus’ surgery out of pocket. This is unacceptable.

If you can help share this page, or the Go Fund Me Page, or Donate, it would be greatly appreciated!

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Flashbacks


Tonight something hit me hard. The kind of hard where the pit of your gut does flip flops, you feel the temperature rise and your knees fall weak.

Long ago when I was married someone did something incredibly cruel to me. I dealt with being shunned by people, my ex dealt with the stress of it all, law enforcement were involved, but it was before there was any task force involving computers and the like.

It took a long time (at least a year) until it was resolved. But the trauma done was intense. It affected my friendships and my marriage. To this day we never did know why the person did what they did.

Tonight a friend on social networking had a status up that at the time I didn’t realize was a joke. As I read it I clicked on the attached link and it took me to my name.  The status talked about someone sharing named pictures and that they have asked that person to stop. In the mean time if we would help by clicking on the link to share and that’s when it took me back to mine. If you haven’t guessed someone posted photos of me that had been photo shopped doing inappropriate and disgusting things.

I just needed to get this out because I need to take some time to process and move passed this.

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Manic and then Fatigue


The last few days I’ve been manic. I have been rapid in thoughts, cleaning inside and outside. I raked my yard, cleaned my garden, washed floors, laundry, you name it I’ve done it. Combined with healing from my injections it’s virtually impossible to stay still or not have racing thoughts.

Then I fall asleep, crashing from the energy I’ve exerted. Nightfall comes and I’m awake sometimes till 2 or 3 am.

It’s a struggle.

Everything changes, my cravings for carbs goes up, late night eating increases… So not good for my body dysmorphia issues.

I seek things that give me peace…. Candles, incense, my pets, my partner, but in the middle of the night it’s very difficult as I don’t want to wake my house.

Internalizing Emotions


Image result for internalized emotionsIts been a really, really rough week for me. First with my dog passing away very unexpectedly, to my body withholding grief and stress. I haven’t been able to move my neck/back/trap/shoulder all on my left side. This has taught me something that has become an awakening.

I’ve realized that it isn’t the words that have harmed me, it is the years of emotional trauma and what they have done to me on the inside. I describe it as a ball of yarn or rubber bands, held deep inside my belly. Every time an emotion attempts to feel anything, an extension grabs that emotion and tucks it nicely with the rest.

I realize this is fear.

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I’ve been hurt and traumatized for so long, that I don’t trust to believe my feelings anymore. That I am consumed with controlling all I can, that it is what’s inside of me that is dying because it can’t come out to live and be expressed.

I’ve been doing work with PTSD in terms of working on my Borderline Personality. I’ve been learning a lot about triggers. No, I don’t know how to prepare for them to be, but I am learning to become aware what makes me upset.

I don’t know how or when the emotions down dark in my belly will come out and release my soul to feel freedom. Perhaps when I am truly at peace with all things my past, that allows me to move forward and embrace my future.

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R.I.P. Sweet Tika


Sierra:

I wanted to share with my readers the passing of my sweet girl Tika. She meant a lot to me.

Originally posted on Everyday Wiggles:

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We mourn the sudden loss of our 13 year old dog, Tika.  It appears to have happened quickly. We had gone in for our appointment regarding what we thought was the onset of seizures. Her heart had expanded and was pressing against her spine. There was some edema as well. We had no clue that this was what we were dealing with. Unfortunately her age and being a small breed makes this common. She could have simply passed due to virtually anything, she was fine in the car when we put her in so she had a quiet space. On our drive home, she wanted to go from the front to the back and lay down, had we known that she was dying then, we wouldn’t have left the vet. I am however, grateful, that I kept checking in on her and when I knew something was terribly wrong, I…

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