I have been travelling the road of healing for a long time. Before healing there has been survival. Survival became a way of life for me, for most of my life from early childhood to where I am now. The challenges I have had to overcome are not simply to one affected area of my life.
Part of my journey with healing is forgiveness. At first when this topic was presented to me, the first thing I said was “what do I have to forgive? I didn’t do anything wrong!” It took a few days after that discussion for me to start to process how and what forgiveness means to me.
I admit this is not an easy path at the moment. Living a way of life although not without its struggles, it is a life I have found adaption with. Having said that, I took this path towards healing and started several years ago, long before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, that only happened a year ago.
To heal means finding peace with lifelong issues that have in their own way, prevented me from living an authentic self. In the past I have blamed the reasons that brought me the trouble, versus owning my part. For me that is huge! I have been able to own my part for awhile now and I am proud of that! No longer the young girl who would have lied and blamed someone, or something else. I am no longer a jealous person, during my journey to wellness, I have learned valuable tools that I keep in my “tool box” and they stay with me.
But, to forgive myself is not as easy as saying “you didn’t know any different” seems far too easy to just “do”. To remember to forgive myself for being human I try to think of the saying
To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine ( when people do things wrong we should try hard to forgive them because all people make mistakes … )
To forgive my mom is very challenging for me. I felt certain I had at one time, clearly another onion skin level has presented itself. The deep level of protection I have felt for my father, even after all that I have done in therapy over the years, last week re-presented itself and it caught me by an overwhelming epiphany.
The road to heal is a bumpy one but as I have faced other roads, I shall too face this one. I know I cannot possibly write even a sparkle of what it means to forgive on every level. I have to trust that as I come to terms of understanding and gain in knowledge and depth, that the healing with happen and another onion skin layer will be peeled away.