Last week we were going over how judging can affect our thoughts and feelings. I had never thought that even the simplest of thoughts are in fact a judgment. For example (someone wearing all one color of an outfit, or perhaps a homeless individual that hasn’t been able to bathe for days) you may think to yourself
“Wow that person is *insert comment*”
That is a judgment, it is so ingrained in our society and conversations with ourselves and with others we don’t even realize we do it anymore. There was a group member who commented that from the last session, she started to say the word “click” every time she “thought” of a judgment before saying it. She said that she realized very quickly how fast the words came to her mind. (I am going to be looking at buying one of those people counter clickers so that I hear the “click” sound every time I press it).
I reflected on this and realized as I am reading a book by Portia De Rossi – Unbearable Lightness, that I too judge. I judge everything about me. I judge what I look like, I judge how much I eat, I hear the voice (some say drill Sargent) that tells me “how fat I am, how I will never lose the weight and I will end up like family members who are overweight” and this has always petrified me my whole life; right from when I started measuring myself (I would have to say in my early teens), I had to be perfect, I had to be thin, I wanted to make my mom proud of me, that I didn’t end up like others in our family. I may not be the anorexic/bulimic girl of many years ago, the one who entered a hospital at 24 and weighing 115 pounds at 5’3 and medium boned. I knew that if nothing else, I would never go this “low” again, I didn’t like my thighs or my arms, so thin and spindly. I may have left an abusive relationship and being the reason that got me to be admitted, but it took a while to see that this was just the tip of the iceberg.
To be perfect in my world means that you do everything either “all one way, or all another way” there is no “in the middle”.
Today I am back to being fixated on my weight and the loss of my perfection as I know it. I am not able to see that life events, surgeries, car accidents, divorce, stress, depression, anxiety, medication are all a contributing factor to my 35 pound weight gain. I am now at the “other side” of that all or nothing spectrum. I am focused on losing this weight and have started to see those results but instead of being happy for progress, I am pushing for more. To go harder and faster, as I am desperate to get back into my size 6 or 8 jeans, my corsets, my fetish wear. I miss modelling, I miss going to events in my community. I have a loving boyfriend who tells me daily how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, and that he loves my curves and how they make up a piece of who I am. But I know and he knows that because I don’t see that, the judgment of myself hasn’t stopped.
Nothing matters right now, except dropping this weight and feeling that sexiness inside as well as outside. When I feel this way, it shows! It shows in my photographs, it shows in what I wear, it shows in my face and features. The other thing I have noticed is that my day is measured by my scale. If I have lost, it is a good day, if I have gained – I beat myself up until the cycle repeats itself.
Am I judging myself? Absolutely! Am I having an argument inside my head? Definitely! The words of the Drill Sargent versus the Healthy and Wise Mind, batting wits with one another. Those that don’t know what this is like, try imaging something you are watching live, say a sporting event and there are two teams, now you decide on one team, and someone else decides on another. That’s what it is like inside my head.
Portia De Rossi made a comment in her book Unbearable Lightness a sentence that really hit home with me. She simply said:
“More than hating myself, I simply had no sense of myself. It was like I was completely without ego for those months of being at my heaviest. I had reentered life, but it didn’t seem like my own life. It seemed like I was passively observing other people’s live. I didn’t talk about myself. I was only interested in talking about other people.”
Portia De Rossi, – Unbearable Lightness
Today, for the first time, while reading this passage, did something really resonate with me, I don’t know who I am. I’m not sure if I ever have. The judgment I do to myself every minute, of every day, is so subconscious that I don’t even realize I am judging not just myself, but others around me.
I feel my heart doing a bit of skipping as I am typing this blog. The anxiety is near the surface, along with the fact that I feel my temper being short. I am exposing something about myself I have never ever done before. I am exposing a piece, a vital piece of who I am in my blog. If someone were to ask what is the first thought that enters my mind right now I would say “fear”. The reason being? Simply put, because out there, someone will judge me, probably no different than I have judged others.