I Rocked the Boat – Now what?

I am anxious, the energy is boiling inside me. I have voiced the demon and I feel like I am now going to pay the price for doing so. For all these years, I have known about you, but spoke nothing of you. For years, I have listened to the Voice and even now I do, but it is scary now. I spoke out, I have “rocked the boat”, something I have been known to do and if not now, at some point, I’ve paid the price for doing so. 

My heart races, my belly flip flops. I ask myself “What’s the worst thing that is going to happen” and I say to myself “that anyone who now reads this, will know my secret”. That I’m not the perfect looking person on the outside, that one thinks I am on the inside. 

I want to bite my nails, but I don’t want to because I think about the germs underneath my nails. I have already gone into cleaning mode where I stripped down the laundry room, cleaned the litter box, disinfected the laundry basket (one of my cats got sick so it would seem) and then I washed the floor and the litter box. My boyfriend has asked me what is wrong and if I am ok. I have told him no I’m not, but I have to deal with this somehow.

I’ve thought to call my girlfriend who I normally call but something stops me. I have thought of calling my other girlfriend who has lived through bulimia but I didn’t. I don’t want to ask “why” because I know I won’t ever figure out the answer; other than admitting to either one of them what I’m really feeling. 

When dinner was ready, I felt myself wanting to eat very little, yet the food tasted good. My mind already thinking of the calories to record in my online food journal. Then when I got up to see what the cat was playing with, was when I stopped and decided to clean everything in the laundry room. A bit later I went to the kitchen and noted that I had eaten half of my dinner. I was more focused on the cleaning, and then going into OCD mode and wanting to rush to wash my feet. I am barefoot in the house and when I think of germs, bacteria or dirt, I go and wash my hands, legs sometimes my arms and my legs all at the same time. I’m usually clothed when this happens, and I just push up my pants, or my sleeves if including my legs and arms. 

My boyfriend comes to ask if I would come and finish dinner and I said in a few minutes. I make my way back to the tv room, drink my water and green tea. I work on finishing my meal, mentally noting that I am “ok” to eat this because I haven’t eaten all my calories for today. 

Ever since I revealed my “secret” today, my anxiety has gone up and my stomach has been doing flip flops. I had hoped by revealing my anorexia that it would make me feel that I was taking control over what my mind has had for so long, yet, I feel the exact opposite. 




One thought on “I Rocked the Boat – Now what?

  1. You are an amazing women my love. You are in shock and it is natural to feel like this after speaking it. It makes it more “real”. It will be better eventually. Remember i love you and am always here.

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