I am anxious, the energy is boiling inside me. I have voiced the demon and I feel like I am now going to pay the price for doing so. For all these years, I have known about you, but spoke nothing of you. For years, I have listened to the Voice and even now I do, but it is scary now. I spoke out, I have “rocked the boat”, something I have been known to do and if not now, at some point, I’ve paid the price for doing so.
My heart races, my belly flip flops. I ask myself “What’s the worst thing that is going to happen” and I say to myself “that anyone who now reads this, will know my secret”. That I’m not the perfect looking person on the outside, that one thinks I am on the inside.
I want to bite my nails, but I don’t want to because I think about the germs underneath my nails. I have already gone into cleaning mode where I stripped down the laundry room, cleaned the litter box, disinfected the laundry basket (one of my cats got sick so it would seem) and then I washed the floor and the litter box. My boyfriend has asked me what is wrong and if I am ok. I have told him no I’m not, but I have to deal with this somehow.
I’ve thought to call my girlfriend who I normally call but something stops me. I have thought of calling my other girlfriend who has lived through bulimia but I didn’t. I don’t want to ask “why” because I know I won’t ever figure out the answer; other than admitting to either one of them what I’m really feeling.
When dinner was ready, I felt myself wanting to eat very little, yet the food tasted good. My mind already thinking of the calories to record in my online food journal. Then when I got up to see what the cat was playing with, was when I stopped and decided to clean everything in the laundry room. A bit later I went to the kitchen and noted that I had eaten half of my dinner. I was more focused on the cleaning, and then going into OCD mode and wanting to rush to wash my feet. I am barefoot in the house and when I think of germs, bacteria or dirt, I go and wash my hands, legs sometimes my arms and my legs all at the same time. I’m usually clothed when this happens, and I just push up my pants, or my sleeves if including my legs and arms.
My boyfriend comes to ask if I would come and finish dinner and I said in a few minutes. I make my way back to the tv room, drink my water and green tea. I work on finishing my meal, mentally noting that I am “ok” to eat this because I haven’t eaten all my calories for today.
Ever since I revealed my “secret” today, my anxiety has gone up and my stomach has been doing flip flops. I had hoped by revealing my anorexia that it would make me feel that I was taking control over what my mind has had for so long, yet, I feel the exact opposite.