Today in my Coping with Change group, which happens to be coming to an end next week, hard to believe that 10 weeks have just come to an end. I feel like I have just started to do the work that I have been meant to do, I opened up about my anorexia. I took a deep breath, went very quiet and it felt like I had to push the air out of my lungs, up through my throat continuing to exhale out my nose. Then I said them
‘Although my goal for the week was to say “Thank You” when someone compliments me, I went off the radar and did a letter on my blog to my father as well as a blog opening up about my anorexia”. There I said it, but instantly I went within. The embarrassment of outing to my group was very uncomfortable, I felt shame for even saying anything out loud, preferring to keep something so painful, deep and within.
One of the facilitators mentioned to me about the Voice being different for some. She said that with depression the Voice is often about isolating, with an Eating Disorder it is about controlling you, she said that some people have experienced both at the same time and I realize now that I could have at different times through the years.
As I continued to talk, my voice soft, my eyes often looking down, the other facilitator said that becoming aware is good. I replied “well aware or not, the Voice is powerful and I’m not doing a very good job at silencing it”.
I stopped talking at that point, saying that there are others still to talk and that I wanted to move to someone else.
Awareness may be something that has happened, but breaking (if that is even an option??) the pattern of