Every morning I argue with myself, even on the toilet. I look at my fingers and can see if they are puffy or not. If they are, I already know I’ve let you down. Your Voice has already begun its taunting to me. Last Monday was the last time I felt elated, it was the last time I lost weight, ever since then, the weight has gone back on again. Yet, even though I have been doing more and more exercising, and even pushing it through an injured ankle (that I even wrapped for support), I know this is not good enough for you. I’ve been drinking prune juice by the cupfuls to get things moving, the puffiness in my limbs has not gone away. I drink 10 glasses of water a day, and am eating under 1300 calories a day, and I know that it is still not good enough. You make sure I know that!
I’m frustrated because I’m desperate to please you, to show you I can lose this weight. It has consumed me.
I had thought by talking about you in therapy this week and blogging about you, would make you quieter. But NO, all its done is make you louder!
My next step is to go pick up some laxatives, hopefully I will get things moving and you will be pleased with my losing weight, versus putting it on. I work hard at trying to get it to move off, but it seems that no matter what I do, you aren’t happy. I know, I hear about it every day!! I feel it every time I go to try something on in my wardrobe and have so little to choose from that I wear PJ bottoms, jogging pants or stretches the most.
I started an intense workout program and plan on doing it as close to everyday as I can handle. I’ve done it twice and I do like it, but when I have to stop or modify a position, I hear you laughing at me, you say that if I wasn’t so fat, I wouldn’t lose my balance. I’ve gone from a 36C to a 38 and I have really noticed how heavy that feels when I am down on the floor on my yoga mat, preparing for ladies push ups or something that requires my upper body strength. The fight I have with you is constant, but I keep pushing myself, determined to make it through the session.
Everyday I step on that scale, and everyday I step off…… frustrated!