Subconscious Judgments


I have what you wanted, I’ve taken them, now I wait. The constipation uncomfortable, my only hope is that everything that is making me feel this way, will leave my body so that I can step on the scale and make you happy again.

Everything that comes out of my mouth is with guarded comments, it is really hard to say “thank you” when people compliment me, because I don’t see what they see. I only see the fat girl and woman in the mirror or photograph. 

Today we were with family and long time ago friends, to celebrate the recent birth of a beautiful baby girl. I held her, and it was instant, everything I had learned and used when looking after others children, was like it had never left. Was it hard to see that I would never have my own, other than my m/c’s? I think in its own way it will always be a reminder of something that never could come to be. Yet, I had you in my mind, chattering away and me, trying to block you with the sweet smiles and sounds of baby T.

Today was about catching up, and realizing how the Universe comes full circle in moments like this. That the young man who stood before me, I’ve known all of his life, was now a father embracing every moment that was before him.

Yet, what did I find myself doing? Like an instinct within me, I judged every single person there who was there today. No, not on personality or clothing, but on their weight. Were they fat, did they look better than me, did they talk about me when I left the room and say how fat I had become. You are in my head and in my thoughts even when I am not at home! I even subconsciously (something I realized during my visit) didn’t even eat all my food on my plate, choosing foods that hopefully wouldn’t ruin my food intake for the day. 

I never realized just how often I subconsciously and silently judge and compare myself to anyone who is within eye sight. The consumption driving me, am I that selfish? Am I that desperate to still feel the feelings of non importance? How have you managed to stay inside my mind and soul all these years? Have I been so within with years of depression and anxiety, combined with significant traumas that I just accepted you? 

How did I go from the competitive martial artist, whose body was in shape, and with low body fat? How is it that I am now on the other side of the scale?  How did I become this fat, ugly, and messed up soul? 

I am afraid of losing you. I’ve had you in my life for so long, that the idea of changing me for a better version, frightens me. Some say it will come when I learn to like me and love me. What? You want me to love myself? I have no idea what that looks like. My purpose in this world has only ever to be seen of service. To raise my sister, to take care of our home, while mother worked., to always be presentable anywhere we went with my mom. Judgments constantly around, floating in and out of my mind, to the point that I am just learning to “snap” my fingers each time a thought comes through that isn’t negative. But, I don’t want to lose you? How messed up is that? 

Tomorrow I am back to my work out program. I have a photo shoot this weekend, and I will be dammed if I am someone a little lower in the numbers, than I am right now. I know you won’t think it is even worth doing the shoot, because of my loose fat that wiggles when I walk or run, but for right now, I want to see what it feels like to be in front of the camera doing a shoot, with one of my favorite themes. If I have to take laxatives every night, to get something to move and to lose some weight, then that is what I will do. 

I have to, I can’t continue to let people down, let alone you! 

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