I’m feeling really scattered today, clearly not myself. Today I left my car running, doors unlocked and the dog and I went into the pet store! We were gone for at least 20 minutes, and it wasn’t until I got back to the car did I even notice what I had done! This had me reflecting on other things I noticed about myself. I noticed not long after that, other things seemed missing in my mind, that ever so not forgettable fog has returned! The very same fog that gets in the way of remembering stuff.
I thought I had my other therapy session today, and as I am driving there, thinking I was going to be late, I forgot that it has been postponed til the following week! *groan* I was gathering the strength to share at our weekly check in and in my scattered mindset, I forgot that it wasn’t even today.
This is what life with mental illness can be like. Toss in some stress, mix it with emotions, fight within yourself that you want to stay in the present and be helpful versus selfish and you get brain fog.
This is where it gets tricky for me. My gut and instincts say to take it easy and relax. My ED says, you are a lazy SOB, you’ve done nothing towards exercising today. You are determined to stay fat, fat, fat. Those clothes you tried on today will only get bigger and bigger, but I guess you want that!! Someone make this circus ride stop! My head hurts, I have had a brutal headache all day, so far the best I’ve been able to do is 2 Aleve and a hot pack. I did have a cup of tea as that usually kicks the headache away, unless it is a cluster or migraine.
I did just hear that I got my pass accepted at the local Rec Center near me. They have a financial assistance program there, and all I have to do is pay a low percentage of whichever package I want to go to. I am looking forward to doing that soon, maybe this weekend; a chance to escape in the sauna or hot tub for a little while…
I also forgot I have a photo shoot tomorrow! UGH! I have been thinking all weak this is on Saturday! I see I am going to have to really focus on writing everything down and carrying it with me.
I suspect Sean may have had this problem as well, it is such a nuisance and a pain in the butt. The other thing, is when you are heading out somewhere and suddenly you forget where the he@@ you are going! Try that one on for size!
Psychosomatic, because of the stress right now. Like a protective shield, a blanket if you will, my mind starts to increase in forgetfulness, at least that is what I have been told by my therapists. Apparently when life gets to be too much (and I mean really too much) it just shuts down, until it feels you are ready to remember stuff you hadn’t before. I have personal experience with this, and the first time it happened, it was the freakiest thing I have ever gone through.
I wonder if Sean felt this way? The up and down mood swings right now are enough to make me want to jump out of my own skin. I’ve noticed my temper is short again, I find myself yelling and talking with a raised voice, versus my normal voice. I know I am anxious right now, the closer the Celebration of Sean’s life service comes, the more I feel the reality of what has really happened.
Sean is gone.
Not gone, like a day or two, or a mini vacation. I mean GONE! FOREVER!
Between my own demons clogging my brain right now, and the ones’ that took Sean away, I am finding myself really digging through my “tool box” of mental clues, to help me stay focused and walking one day at a time. Some moments it feels like one minute, then an hour…. and them a hiccup – back to the beginning.
The tributes to Sean have been non stop. My uncle said today that he feels very overwhelmed, and I don’t blame him. I and I’m sure the rest of my family feel the very same way, yet finding our own way to cope. In my head I feel anger at Sean and I say “Are you Happy? Is this what you wanted to know?”. Then, within a moment I surrender and feel terrible for thinking such terrible words. People have a hard time accepting that this was His choice and right or wrong, the consequences are huge.
I do not know, right now, how my Uncle, my Aunt, Sean’s brothers, our families will keep going forward, I know for me, just like when my dog passed away this past December, I saw a vision of Rizzo looking back as if to ask for permission to cross over, and I said “It’s ok, Rizzo. You’ve long since earned this rest, go run with the others at the Rainbow Bridge”.
I know Sean is young, and I know he meant so much to so many people. Yet I also wonder, if these very same people reached out to him consistently? Did he know you would all be there without a shadow of a doubt? Did he know that he could call any of you at any time of day? I’m not looking to blame anyone, that is not the point and I also don’t believe in blaming either. Too much of my life has been spent on blaming or being blamed for actions not of my own.
In the coming days and weeks, I am sure my blog will go up and down worse than any roller coaster ride ever could. The best description I have is the rickety wooden roller coaster at the PNE. The way it creeks and travels up the hill leading up to the top, and then with the powers of science, inertia and mechanics, the roller coaster flies down the tracks…. before making its final stop at the beginning.