Today was the day! I was pretty excited to be going back to something I love to do and to be doing it at a place that has the most amazing clothing and accessories known to man kind lol. I was going to be doing a Pin Up Photo shoot. I start to get nervous as I hadn’t stepped on the scale …. yet and then I did, I stepped on the scale…. 172… my everything deflated. I knew I hadn’t been eating much, I just haven’t had an appetite, and I’ve been freaking out at seeing my family next week at my cousin’s Celebration of Life service.
I know what will happen, friends and family, will all smile, give one another hugs and then whisper. Whisper about how heavy I’ve become. Judgments galore, and snickers too. Doesn’t matter that I’ve been fighting my internal demons, doesn’t matter that I’ve been battling the Voice and hearing constantly how fat I am. I even went to V.V. yesterday to try on jeans and look at getting a new skirt for my cousin’s service, and was disgusted at what I am in size wise. I’m in a 13/14!! That is disgusting! I’m at least a good 30lbs overweight, and I’m frustrated. I’ve returned to taking laxatives, at least I feel like I have control over something. I ate a whole chocolate bar today, which shouldn’t be a surprise really, when I get stressed out, I’ve turned to that! Never would have seen that coming.
I hate my body!! Today at my shoot, all I could see in my prints was fat!! Fat arms, fat hips, fat face and images of my mother! As I’ve gotten older, I look more and more like her. Scary really, because I have always been told I look like her but I didn’t see it then as I do now. I don’t like it. Yet, the owner of the store, the photographer, and various staff, loved how I looked. I said thank you, all the while thinking to myself, you look disgusting and they are paid to tell you that.
Tonight I ate my Lean Cuisine and my garden salad I made, been drinking my water and sit with my obsession. Trying to figure out where how I can slim down. Even though I know some of this can be hormone related, it doesn’t change how I am feeling. Don’t tell me to love myself, how can anyone love me looking like this!
I think about Liposuction and cleanses. I’ve done cleanses before and I’ve done hours and hours of exercising. Somehow I have to get this to move. My internal voice will never beat me down more and more as I fail at becoming perfect in my weight let alone weight loss. Never allowing me to succeed at the one thing that I have reveled in, my body shape.
Now not only am I going to my cousin’s Service, to which I am struggling with. I’ve had people, some strangers, who have known Sean write me private emails, all sharing in their experience of having him in their life. How he touched them, inspired them, understood them. Yet, I reflect and think to myself, Sean and I are so very much alike. We had said this to one another a few years ago on the phone. We had a several hours conversation about our experience with mental illness and how no one in our family talked about it. That it was like it is taboo, to know that anyone was hurting, that one of us in our family needed support. The thought patterns that develop within us, making us who we are, and only increasing the shame we feel inside.
I’ve heard over the years that my self esteem is low, that I need to love myself. Really? That sounds so simple, yet I know so many people who would give anything to even have a taste of what loving ones’ self means. What does that look like? What does that feel like?
If it were only that simple…. maybe there wouldn’t be bottled feelings.