Bottled Feelings


Today was the day! I was pretty excited to be going back to something I love to do and to be doing it at a place that has the most amazing clothing and accessories known to man kind lol. I was going to be doing a Pin Up Photo shoot. I start to get nervous as I hadn’t stepped on the scale …. yet and then I did, I stepped on the scale…. 172… my everything deflated. I knew I hadn’t been eating much, I just haven’t had an appetite, and I’ve been freaking out at seeing my family next week at my cousin’s Celebration of Life service. 

I know what will happen, friends and family, will all smile, give one another hugs and then whisper. Whisper about how heavy I’ve become. Judgments galore, and snickers too. Doesn’t matter that I’ve been fighting my internal demons, doesn’t matter that I’ve been battling the Voice and hearing constantly how fat I am. I even went to V.V. yesterday to try on jeans and look at getting a new skirt for my cousin’s service, and was disgusted at what I am in size wise. I’m in a 13/14!! That is disgusting! I’m at least a good 30lbs overweight, and I’m frustrated. I’ve returned to taking laxatives, at least I feel like I have control over something. I ate a whole chocolate bar today, which shouldn’t be a surprise really, when I get stressed out, I’ve turned to that! Never would have seen that coming. 

I hate my body!! Today at my shoot, all I could see in my prints was fat!! Fat arms, fat hips, fat face and images of my mother! As I’ve gotten older, I look more and more like her. Scary really, because I have always been told I look like her but I didn’t see it then as I do now. I don’t like it. Yet, the owner of the store, the photographer, and various staff, loved how I looked. I said thank you, all the while thinking to myself, you look disgusting and they are paid to tell you that. 

Tonight I ate my Lean Cuisine and my garden salad I made, been drinking my water and sit with my obsession. Trying to figure out where how I can slim down. Even though I know some of this can be hormone related, it doesn’t change how I am feeling. Don’t tell me to love myself, how can anyone love me looking like this! 

I think about Liposuction and cleanses. I’ve done cleanses before and I’ve done hours and hours of exercising. Somehow I have to get this to move. My internal voice will never beat me down more and more as I fail at becoming perfect in my weight let alone weight loss. Never allowing me to succeed at the one thing that I have reveled in, my body shape. 

Now not only am I going to my cousin’s Service, to which I am struggling with. I’ve had people, some strangers, who have known Sean write me private emails, all sharing in their experience of having him in their life. How he touched them, inspired them, understood them. Yet, I reflect and think to myself, Sean and I are so very much alike. We had said this to one another a few years ago on the phone. We had a several hours conversation about our experience with mental illness and how no one in our family talked about it. That it was like it is taboo, to know that anyone was hurting, that one of us in our family needed support. The thought patterns that develop within us, making us who we are, and only increasing  the shame we feel inside.

I’ve heard over the years that my self esteem is low, that I need to love myself. Really? That sounds so simple, yet I know so many people who would give anything to even have a taste of what loving ones’ self means. What does that look like? What does that feel like? 

If it were only that simple…. maybe there wouldn’t be bottled feelings.

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10 thoughts on “Bottled Feelings

  1. You realize that it’s those bottled up feelings and emotions that are keeping you stuck? These internal demons, the baggage. Maybe it’s time to clear out the baggage so that it’s no longer controlling you?

    Be well,
    Larry

    1. Larry, thank you for your comments :). Yes, I am aware that my feelings and emotions are what keep me stuck. I am waiting to start 1 of 2 intense treatment programs. The first one is in April and goes for 30 weeks. I realize there is a lot of work involved and there is also a lot of fear involved. This is a lifelong battle, something that will not be fixed easily. I’ve been told deeply subconscious thoughts are the toughest to break.

  2. I have no answers for you, because your answers are inside of yourself. I can tell you that I’ve weighed many different numbers throughout my life, and no matter what the scale said I weighed, my head told me the same things yours is telling you right now- I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not acceptable.

      1. Actually their not, so long as you can access the memories. I do this with clients all the time. Do you have access to the memories where these come from?

        With some clients where they are are deeply buried and they can’t access the memories I use hypnosis to gain access to them so they can be worked on. This really doesn’t have to be a life long battle. Yes it’s going to take work, but no were what you’re describing. What kind of treatment are you doing??

        Be well,

        Larry

  3. Have you ever read ‘You can heal your life’ by Louise Hay? It’s all about loving yourself, and goes into detail about how to actually get there. I hope this doesn’t come across as rude or anything, it just changed my life after I was in a really dark place and I don’t know where I would be without having discovered it.

    1. Thank you for your recommendations. Unfortunately, I am someone who requires intensive therapy that is repetitive in nature. I am waiting to start treatment in a 30 week program in April and another one am on a waiting list for.

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