I have finished my Coping with Change program and am now waiting for my next program to start, and that is another 3 weeks away.
I know I have blogged endlessly about the mental anguish and struggles I am having now. From trying on clothes and hating every moment of it. To recording daily my food and exercise journal. The most I’ve lost is 5 pounds. I don’t see the point in talking to a dietitian as I have a girlfriend who is a registered fitness instructor and if I really want to know anything, I can ask her.
I hated every minute of putting on clothes, going through the racks reminiscent of the days of a size 7/8. Always having something pretty and feminine to choose from off the rack. I must admit that at the moment, being a size 13/14 you would be surprised at how fast the quality of the fabric, to the styles start to become limited, reduced to nothing more than crap. So not a help in the self-esteem department.
I have a goal in mind, I’ve had it for months and after I reach it, I want to drop an additional 10 to 15 from that. I’m sure many of you are wondering why I am fighting myself so hard versus just accepting what is in front of me. Quite simply because I am not willing to settle. I’m not willing to look like an unkempt, ugly woman, who has now resorted to wearing lose and very baggy clothing. I miss my shapely jeans, I miss dressing up and FEELING sexy inside and out. I don’t feel this way at all.
I went to try on a pencil skirt on Saturday. The store clerk and my boyfriend loved the skirt, and I must admit I did to. But I couldn’t get past my hips and ass. That’s all I could see! I look like this huge pear-shaped (my boyfriend strongly disagrees and says I am hour glassed) woman, not proportionate at all. At one time I would have snagged that skirt, paired it up with something to coordinate and flatter my shape and be done with it! Not Saturday, I must have hummed and hawed and got stuck on the size of the skirt! I kept seeing images of the words “large, obese, unattractive”, run across my mind’s eye. I tried using my visualization tools, where there is a box labelled “trouble” and that I fill it with all the negative thoughts that are running through my mind; seal up the box and watch it float down the creek, bobbing up and down.
It didn’t work.
I kept filling more boxes, over and over, (while looking at myself in the mirror, trying to convince myself I am beautiful) watching them float down the creek; nothing lessened the fact that my body is what it is.
I do work out, I do record my intake, they make me accountable. I do take my measurements as well as weigh myself every day. Yet, it isn’t enough.
I can hear friends saying that I will not be happy even when I reach my goal, yet to me my goal is everything to me. I want to prove to myself, and that stupid voice inside my head and my soul that I can do this! I can beat this disgusting weight I am carrying around. It isn’t like this is an easy ride, and it certainly isn’t pretty flowers and sunshine. I think about summer coming up and going to Wreck Beach, and I want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to hear the good things that people have to say. Not the whispers and snickers and the “omg she is out in public like that!” talk!
When I reach my goal weight, I want to treat myself to something really nice. Maybe a spa day or a new outfit, at the size I was once (and will be again)~!