Party for the Planet –

ImageThis what everyone has been talking about!

Well the day had finally arrived! Today we were going to see everyone who has been working on getting this project off the floor. A lot of work has gone into this! 

We get there around 230ish and people are all milling about getting their booths ready for when the site opens up around 3-330pm.

A stage has been set up and one of the bands Down With Webster, a Canadian Rap Band, who when it came time for them to perform, rocked it hard! 

Once our booth was all set up, which by set up I mean there was a silent auction, raffle ticket draw for an original Kirk McLean autographed jersey, 8 x 10 photos of Kirk McLean as well as a Free draw for the 1994 photo of Trevor Lindin and Kirk McLean! Lots of props for our Canuck Boys!

Onto the more serious topic at hand, that being Mindcheck and the reason my family and I were all there. Today was the first of two days of having donations made in Sean’s memory to Mindcheck. Anything over $20 and a person received a 8 x 10 photo of Kirk McLean signed. Anything under $20 and a person received a package of hockey cards (which by the way were sweet cards!). 

I met a variety of people, some shared their personal experiences around loved ones who had passed away due to suicide. I also had met others who worked for or were staying in Recovery houses in our local area. I met a wonderful group of people who work for a company whose purpose is to ride up and down the transit line providing support to our youth and young adults who are homeless and living on the streets. We all exchanged information and pamphlets to one another, all in the name of getting the word out.  It made me feel so alive to know that there is support out there, that sometimes it isn’t as easy as just one group of individuals getting out there to support one another, that anything is possible when you work as a team.

I’d like to share a story about a young man I met. I will call him C. C came up to our booth inquiring about everything, at one point I was asked to speak to this young man, which I did quite happily. I could see right off the bat, that C was a very charming young man, whose speech was challenged but if you focused you could make out what he was wanting. So I chatted with him and we talked about his amazing white Fedora hat that happened to match his jacket and the rest of his outfit. :). He decided he wanted 6 raffle tickets for the signed Kirk McLean Original Jersey. So I got that taken care of for him. He told me later that he had a brain injury but that “everything was still upstairs” to which I laughed and smiled. I already knew that C was very intelligent and that he also had an amazing sense of humor! 

After a bit, he went for a walk around and awhile later he came back to talk to me. I knew right away I had made a friend and it was simply because I took the time to listen to him. How many times have you listened to someone? I mean really listen? We talked about food and what he wanted to eat, yes something so simple as food. 

Much later upon his return he asked my cousin if he could borrow his phone to call for a ride? I asked him if he wanted a Handydart or his home? He said he would like his home, so my cousin gave me his cell and I called for him. His father answered and I gave him the information that C had provided.  Not long after he left to meet his ride. 

Sometimes, even with our own disabilities and troubles, it is amazing how something as simple as a smile and conversation can make the difference in someone else. This happened to be a young man, who although now quite different that he once was, still made the effort to communicate and talk with someone, when normally he had said he usually is at home, in his room watching tv. 

That alone, made my day and my cousin Sean’s memory that much more valuable than it already was.



Self Sabotage

Those of you who resonate to this blog piece today most likely know what this title means. 

I’ve been doing the HCG diet program for 19 days now, I’ve lost 11 pounds as of yesterday and 9.5 inches as of last Thursday. Sounds good, right? Well I’ve noticed that the last day or so, I’ve started to wander into the “eh it won’t matter, what I do” category. I don’t know why I do this, other than that I truly believe I am not worth the benefits of losing this weight . 

What a battle I wage within my mind. Something so ingrained that believes I am not worthy of better health. Today is a fight to stay on track, when really it shouldn’t be. I’m doing this for me, I’m wanting to drop this weight because I must, for my own health, yet I am fully prepared to fail, because that is all I know how to do! 

So I have decided to make a conscious effort to use my Wise Mind today. Instead of beating myself up, I chose to post on my weight loss forum about what I was feeling and I received some positive feedback, which helped me to get back on track. I also had some government documents I have had to get caught up on, and usually just push it aside, well I just got those done and up to date.

April 28/12 – In Sean’s Memory!

A couple of weeks ago, I had shared about my cousin Sean’s death by his own hand on March 18, 2012. Its been a road of many emotions and at times challenges for everyone that knew Sean. I did a blog on an upcoming event and am attaching it as a refresher. The location and now the listing of who will be there, and what’s happening is here For all you sports minded friends Kirk McLean will be doing autographs and all donations will be sent in Sean’s name with the proceeds going to

It would really mean a lot to not just myself, but to my family and friends. As well we want to get the word out to everyone that anytime you feel depressed or anxious, that you aren’t alone! That there is support out there, and the first step to knowing that, is to help get the word out. 

Thank you!


BPD and Friendships – not a jolly ride

Over the weekend, I noticed that as much as there was various opportunities to go out and socialize, I kept close to home. Sometimes the decision to not do anything isn’t hard to make and other times, it is like an internal argument. I am also dealing with a lingering ear infection and loud noises will cause me to have shooting pains to the side of my head. 

I have a girlfriend who I have been very close with since I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago. She and I clicked instantly and she literally picked me up off the ground on days where I mentally and emotionally wasn’t able to.  As time has gone on, twists and turns along the way, I have noticed that our friendship is nothing like it once was. Sure there have been events along the way, on both sides, but no matter what we always had a weekly phone call to chat, to vent, to laugh. That hasn’t been happening and I have voiced to her how I do miss that. She is busy with the opening of a new business, I get that, yet, it doesn’t help my feelings. 

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. Most of my life friendships have been a challenge. I don’t make friends easily, I’ve either been too shy, or too clingy, never in the middle to a place of balance. 

Its kind of been the same with relationships. They always been intense, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that none of the ones of my past have been healthy. Even when I thought having my own “Knight In Shining Armor” was so special and wonderful, little did I realize that was so incredibly destructible it almost killed me… he almost killed me. 

My life has been steadily in “survival mode”, I don’t know any other way. I’m really great at details and duties. Yet, you won’t find much in the way of emotional connection. I’ve long since erased that from times of intense stress, convincing myself that tears don’t serve a purpose other than being in the way. There have been times I had wished someone would come and “rescue me”. That they would see how hard I am working and that no matter what it was, they would make it all feel better. Kind of like if my family had been there for me growing up and even now, things may be considerably different. 

I have another friend who has been in my life for over 20 years, she has always unconditionally been there for me. I had her on a pedestal at one time, because I looked up to her. Her selflessness with genuine kindness and support; she has always had my best interests at heart. I’ve often felt like I have not been a very good friend.  It isn’t that I would not be there, I would in a heartbeat, and I’m sure I have. 

I think what it is, is that I could never contribute to our friendship the way she has. Even when we had a falling out about a year ago and she asked for a break, I walked away; letting her have the time to do what she needed to do. This had never happened before and I really learned a lot about my friend and about me. I learned about the different dynamics of friendship and how the different definitions can really make a difference. 

The one thing that has always stood out for me though is that I now keep these two people at arms length. The very idea of having any emotional intimacy and connection with someone more than allowable has always frightened me.  I know it goes back to my many years of coping with abandonment and even now that I have been more focused on being mindful and in the present, that inner core fear is still there. 

I often wonder if that core belief will grow and change, accepting of being in the present and not stuck on patterns no longer relevant to one’s life?

I really want to be a better friend and I am hoping that I can BE a better friend. All I need is to find the first step to do so. 

Temperament and Mental Health

I’ve found myself being indecisive once again. The ever riding roller coaster of wanting to really go and do something and then suddenly fearful of going forward with it. I really wish I could be more consistent versus being what most I am sure see as a “flake”. It is most likely why I don’t get invited to many functions and/or events locally. 

A good example is I have a friend who lives about an hour from me, I normally would head out not even think twice about it. Now, my brain is humming and hawing about how far (why that, I don’t know!), now with my ear infection and the balance being so skeptical (not to mention the whistle I hear in my ear when I went driving yesterday). It all doesn’t make sense to me.  Its like saying “why am I comfortable (yet not comfortable) with staying home?” Its like if I go out and do errands one maybe two days in the week, I’m pretty happy with that.

I really hate the ups and downs of my personal road I like to call many different names, most not pleasant. 

What will it take for me to push through the “hold” and rid myself of the temperament mood my mind gets into. I feel like I am trapped in my own mental hell, never knowing what each day will bring. The only thing I’ve been able to figure out is if I don’t take my medication for sleep at night, I seldom get a solid 8 hours of sleep, which of course only adds to my already sensitive mind. 

I am focused on getting better, but there is fear. The fear that I will never really get over living with BPD, let alone chronic depression etc.  As much as I push forward, there is a hold on me, that tug that yanks back into my gut, each time a piece of what happiness and being in the present can be like. THAT, is what I am striving for. 

Does it get better, or at least tolerable? Will I end up stuck in the sense that the roller coaster will be on an incline of better health only to have it zapped away in an instant, leaving the feeling of progress back in the wind. 

There has to be others, that live with what I do, right?


Ears and Negligence

So I went to see my family doctor today for a follow up. Seems my ear is 50% improved in healing (thank god). He did say that the total healing is going to take some time. Not sure how I feel about something taking time. As it is, I have balance issues, wobbly legs etc. Better hope no cop asks me to ever walk a straight line, I’d fail just on that alone!  As to how I will come out of this, my doctor isn’t sure, when I inquired as to any hearing loss, he said that is entirely possible. Naturally this has me concerned and worried. My BPD already starting to trigger up all kinds of negative words. I’ve so far been able to abide them by telling myself that I know what actually happened and that my thoughts are just that….. thoughts!

I have filed complaint charges against the Hospital for a few reasons, one namely patient care. Try to imagine being in extreme physical pain, and being ignored, because the suspicion is that you have a general ear infection…. possibly by ear wax build up. NOT! 

I have started the process of inquiring as to the Complaint process with the College of Physicians and Surgeons as well as I have contacted the Walk In Clinic where I first went to before the E/R. I will be calling the office manager in the morning as that is the person who I am to call and file a complaint with. 

This experience has taught me a lot. It has taught me that our medical system is completely maxed to the point that patients requiring urgent care, risk not being seen due to having one doctor, perhaps 2 on night staff til a certain point, thereby after a period of time, only one doctor to tend to a full room full of patients waiting to be seen, or in different stages of recovery before leaving. I had even seen a few patients staying overnight in their triage room. I did see two people in the hallway on beds. It is one thing to see it on the news, it is another to see it for yourself. 

I felt judged and isolated in my experience of waiting for a medical doctor to take my concerns seriously. I recognize there are patients who need attention right away. However, I was there, and without knowing each persons personal history, I’d say most if not all were well under control. So why did it take so long for someone to take me seriously? I had to endure 6 hours of agony, fear, emotional and mental negligence.  I had to walk in laps around the triage room of the E/R to escape the muffled cries of a toddler could be heard as he was having his blood drawn. I, in my agony couldn’t stand to stay in my “over flow room” because his cries pierced my ear so badly that they were echoing his cries and the voices of everyone with him. 

No human being, should have to endure undue care and attention at the hands of medical professionals. 

I am now left with anxiety and fear every day since Wednesday, April 11, 2012 that I may in fact be left with a permanent disability that had there been a prompt response, could have been avoided. 

Tell that to my anxiety, BPD and Bipolar, they don’t know any different, if anything it is just another avenue to fuel various thoughts, feelings and emotions. 



As you will see when you click on my blog, I’ve made some major changes. I felt it was time to change my focus and implement different themes, colors and items, sort of like how my brain processes things on a daily basis. 

I’ve been up since 2am, insomnia at her best. My mind hasn’t been able to shut down. The stomping of words ruminating around inside. It annoys me that something or someone can grab hold of my brain and stay there, even if I don’t want it to. 

Changes and reflections are two areas that I work with every single day. I’m not a lover of change, but as I’ve become stronger, healthier and wiser, I’ve realized that change will happen, even if I don’t want it to.  I can’t change anything outside my own personal space, but I can change the way I look at things happening in my life.