my therapist today, it took me awhile to get the courage to do so. I don’t know why this is so difficult, given how well she does know me. I think it is stigma of feeling like I am not strong enough to figure out how to get past all the emotions and sorting them through myself.
I woke up this morning, and went right back to sleep. I took my night medication and even though I do get a better sleep, the side effect at least for me seems to be grogginess and blah feeling. My brain doesn’t function very well, and I know I do a lot of things literally by automatic pilot.
I had seriously debated about not doing anything today, just hiding and hibernating. I have noticed my temper is short, my emotions mixed and my feelings not processing very well. My BF C says that he suspects it is not just my BPD that is causing my imbalance but Sean’s death and service last week. He feels that the emotions are all mixed up and my head isn’t able to process them all at once.
So that has left me thinking, how do I use my new coping skills to process and work through stuff? I do use my visualization at every opportunity and it does help for a moment or two. Yet, I find that everyday, I fight to not always go to Sean’s Facebook page. Its like I want to make sure that people who post are able to know that there is help for people who are grieving right now. Given that is what I know to be true, I am somehow able to allow myself to gather the information I have gained over my years of mental health treatment and share it with as many people who can benefit from it.
The one consistent thought that does keep coming back to me and it stirs up my “buttons” like you wouldn’t believe. It is the button that says “Really”? This button as I call it, is the very same button that right now is struggling with how people want to learn (I had a friend talk with me last night, she was very insightful and said that right now, people are grieving and they are reaching out to understand) including my own family.
But instead of feeling a sense of connection with friends and family who are eager to understand, I feel frustration and anger. I know the reason is because of the fight I’ve had to do for my own personal well being, but it is something I’ve had to do by myself. I’ve not had my family or many friends, other than one, maybe two that had stood by me through thick and thin. Those same friends are the ones who have verbally held me up, when I would fall and not have been able to get back up.
I know that my thoughts are being stirred by my BPD and are causing me to feel what I am feeling, and right now one of my learning tools is to embrace forgiveness for the things I do not have control over. I know there are parts of me that truly want this for myself. I don’t want to feel the heaviness in my soul, the parts that get dark. I don’t want the selfish thoughts to take over my mind and my body. Yet, the ingrained thoughts are the ones I am struggling with. The ones that have been a core of who I am, the ones that have been my survival tool all my life.
How will I ever get through this?
I know I am also feeling frustrated because my SAFE group has changed the start date from April 17 to May 1. I don’t like this, it leaves me with too much time on my hands. I thought about doing some kind of volunteering or maybe a part time job, and that scares me. The patterns of my past work history haunt me. The ones where I do ok for about 3 months and then I self sabotage and within the year I will not be at that same job. My skills, I think about my student loan that I have on interest relief because I can’t afford to pay the monthly payments. How does a woman like me, regain skills that I had already regained and then subsequently lost due to my BPD! Its a vicious, frustrating circle. How the hell can I overcome this! I have to somehow overcome this, otherwise my thoughts and my feelings will be stuck like this for the rest of my life!
So I called my therapist, and as it is now the end of the day, she didn’t call back.