I spoke with one of my group facilitators this morning. She was calling to follow up about a date change for my next session I am taking. It now starts May 1 instead of the April 17th. She explained the reason for the change and it made sense.
She asked how I was doing and I told her the truth about everything. I shared that I struggling; that I literally feel like I am going backwards. I explained about Sean’s death, the struggles I am having with regards to everything. My mood is flat, I’ve gone inward and even when I have the best of intentions to go and do errands like pick up some recent photographs I had done, or the fact that I wake up, and all I want to do is stay in bed and do for a couple of more hours!
She told me that I am grieving and that there is no cookie cutter format as to the right or wrong way to grieving. I explained how I had not shown any emotion until Sean’s service, that I had begun to think there was something wrong with me. She told me that she has seen clients who have had consecutive losses and that they have never shown any emotions because of the shock that they were feeling at the time of each of her losses.
I inquired about support groups, if there were any for someone who has lost a relative to suicide. Thankfully she had some information. She said that she used to be a facilitator with Langley Hospice http://www.langleyhospice.com/index.html and that when she was there, she did have clients who had experienced loss of a loved one by suicide. So I asked her if I should call over there. She said it may be a very good idea, and if no one got in touch me with me to contact the SAFER group in Vancouver http://www.suicide.org/support-groups/canada/british-columbia-suicide-support-groups.html.
My therapist had also wanted me to know that not only is it difficult to lose someone unexpectedly like this, having a loved one pass away with an illness the same as your own is also very difficult and that I needed to be kind to myself. I shared with her how I’ve wanted to do things, but I just don’t seem to have the energy.
We talked about a pie – you know the kind that you break down into visual pieces, with each piece representing a piece of you
She talked to me about how much energy it would have been for me to just attend Sean’s service, let alone deal with any family rifts or drama. I said that made sense, because my only concern was supporting my cousin’s family and myself.
I was also advised against putting expectations on myself. I had not seen myself as putting expectations on myself, but given that I have wanted to pick up some photographs I had taken recently and doing some other things, that even though I have the best of intentions, it has just been really difficult. My therapist had said that if I had wanted, I could ask someone else to pick up my photographs for me, and that it is fine to accept help from others.
I took her advice and called the Langley Hospice Society and spoke with the receptionist. I inquired about their services with regards to Grieving for a loved one who takes their own life and she said that they do have a support group and that she could connect me with the person who does the intake. After a couple of more questions, I decided to leave a message for this person.
It would make sense for me to see someone local as I am more likely to attend versus having to travel to far outside my comfort zone.
You know when I have contemplated taking my own life and being in my own personal hell, not once did I ever think of what it would do to anyone else…. now I do.