Mentally Drained

ImageI’ve come down with a nasty bug. It has completely infected my left ear including the tube and external canal and ear drum. I am scared, I’ve never had an ear infection before, and so far I hate it. I’m worried I won’t have my hearing once the infection (hopefully) goes away.  My E.D. at the moment is happy, because nothing tastes appealing to me. Tonight I actually was hungry and had something for a change. Up until then the last 4 – 5 days I’ve ate very little. 

I had to miss my BPD Mindfulness class this past Thursday, so I’m sure I am now kicked out of the class and if I wanted to still take the DBT program I will now be at the bottom of the list. Great, just what I always wanted, another failure and this time it isn’t anything I could prevent! Actually, I don’t know if I am removed from my group as I haven’t heard from the Co-ordinator of the program I’m in, as, you guessed it, she is sick and won’t be back til Monday.

I’ve been internally freaking out. What if I don’t get my hearing back? Will I cope with learning to read lips or sign? I know I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but when you’ve never had an ear infection and one that affects your entire ear, not just a part of it. How do you not? 

I have tried to do things to take my mind off this, but between the white noise in my ear that doesn’t stop, and the constant coughing induced wanting to vomit feeling, its pretty much a no go. 

Getting through this and waiting for the “pop” so to speak is what I’m doing and it sucks, its like a slow torture, nothing you could ever plan for.  Telling myself I will be ok, seems trivial. 

Hopefully my next post will be a positive change and improvement.