I’ve found myself being indecisive once again. The ever riding roller coaster of wanting to really go and do something and then suddenly fearful of going forward with it. I really wish I could be more consistent versus being what most I am sure see as a “flake”. It is most likely why I don’t get invited to many functions and/or events locally.
A good example is I have a friend who lives about an hour from me, I normally would head out not even think twice about it. Now, my brain is humming and hawing about how far (why that, I don’t know!), now with my ear infection and the balance being so skeptical (not to mention the whistle I hear in my ear when I went driving yesterday). It all doesn’t make sense to me. Its like saying “why am I comfortable (yet not comfortable) with staying home?” Its like if I go out and do errands one maybe two days in the week, I’m pretty happy with that.
I really hate the ups and downs of my personal road I like to call many different names, most not pleasant.
What will it take for me to push through the “hold” and rid myself of the temperament mood my mind gets into. I feel like I am trapped in my own mental hell, never knowing what each day will bring. The only thing I’ve been able to figure out is if I don’t take my medication for sleep at night, I seldom get a solid 8 hours of sleep, which of course only adds to my already sensitive mind.
I am focused on getting better, but there is fear. The fear that I will never really get over living with BPD, let alone chronic depression etc. As much as I push forward, there is a hold on me, that tug that yanks back into my gut, each time a piece of what happiness and being in the present can be like. THAT, is what I am striving for.
Does it get better, or at least tolerable? Will I end up stuck in the sense that the roller coaster will be on an incline of better health only to have it zapped away in an instant, leaving the feeling of progress back in the wind.
There has to be others, that live with what I do, right?