Over the weekend, I noticed that as much as there was various opportunities to go out and socialize, I kept close to home. Sometimes the decision to not do anything isn’t hard to make and other times, it is like an internal argument. I am also dealing with a lingering ear infection and loud noises will cause me to have shooting pains to the side of my head.
I have a girlfriend who I have been very close with since I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago. She and I clicked instantly and she literally picked me up off the ground on days where I mentally and emotionally wasn’t able to. As time has gone on, twists and turns along the way, I have noticed that our friendship is nothing like it once was. Sure there have been events along the way, on both sides, but no matter what we always had a weekly phone call to chat, to vent, to laugh. That hasn’t been happening and I have voiced to her how I do miss that. She is busy with the opening of a new business, I get that, yet, it doesn’t help my feelings.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. Most of my life friendships have been a challenge. I don’t make friends easily, I’ve either been too shy, or too clingy, never in the middle to a place of balance.
Its kind of been the same with relationships. They always been intense, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that none of the ones of my past have been healthy. Even when I thought having my own “Knight In Shining Armor” was so special and wonderful, little did I realize that was so incredibly destructible it almost killed me… he almost killed me.
My life has been steadily in “survival mode”, I don’t know any other way. I’m really great at details and duties. Yet, you won’t find much in the way of emotional connection. I’ve long since erased that from times of intense stress, convincing myself that tears don’t serve a purpose other than being in the way. There have been times I had wished someone would come and “rescue me”. That they would see how hard I am working and that no matter what it was, they would make it all feel better. Kind of like if my family had been there for me growing up and even now, things may be considerably different.
I have another friend who has been in my life for over 20 years, she has always unconditionally been there for me. I had her on a pedestal at one time, because I looked up to her. Her selflessness with genuine kindness and support; she has always had my best interests at heart. I’ve often felt like I have not been a very good friend. It isn’t that I would not be there, I would in a heartbeat, and I’m sure I have.
I think what it is, is that I could never contribute to our friendship the way she has. Even when we had a falling out about a year ago and she asked for a break, I walked away; letting her have the time to do what she needed to do. This had never happened before and I really learned a lot about my friend and about me. I learned about the different dynamics of friendship and how the different definitions can really make a difference.
The one thing that has always stood out for me though is that I now keep these two people at arms length. The very idea of having any emotional intimacy and connection with someone more than allowable has always frightened me. I know it goes back to my many years of coping with abandonment and even now that I have been more focused on being mindful and in the present, that inner core fear is still there.
I often wonder if that core belief will grow and change, accepting of being in the present and not stuck on patterns no longer relevant to one’s life?
I really want to be a better friend and I am hoping that I can BE a better friend. All I need is to find the first step to do so.