The path begins

ImageToday was the beginning of my new course called S.A.F.E. It stands for Self Abuse Finally Ends. We went through the basic do’s and don’ts nothing out of the ordinary from the other classes I have taken in this program.  This program is 30 weeks in total and the sessions are 10 per group. Between each segment is a 2 week break. This apparently follows the D.B.T. program, albeit loosely and with not as much rigidity. The concept is that repetition of positive reinforcement will help make the changes possible. 

We aren’t allowed to talk about what our self harm or self defeating behavior is, which at first confused the hell out of me. Not from the standpoint of bragging, but from the standpoint of description in relation to a trigger. It was later explained that it is best not to describe what those behaviors or harm is so that others will not be tempted to attempt the same behavior. 

I admit, I felt heavy and tired during the session, which are 2 hours in length, with one 10 minute break. For me, this isn’t unusual as it is the beginning of a new program and with it comes a new adaptation for me to work with. I also find I keep stuff within at first, I think it is a form of processing. 

At one point we spoke of triggers and the incorporation of the Diamond. I’ve known about the Diamond method since last summer. It is a means of breaking down a problem and extending that initial instant want to blow up and become instantly angry. As much as I have been implementing visuals as a means of processing a negative thought, I admitted today that I do struggle with old beliefs and newer ones that have the option of being healthier. The trouble I am finding is right now I feel like I am internally split within in my mind, that there is this argument going on in my head and it frustrates me. I know that the healthier suggestions are the ones that ultimately I want to use, but the ones that have been my “survival” are the ones that aren’t always the best ones for me, but I’ve come to rely and are ingrained. 

I remember my therapist saying to me that often the subconsciously ingrained ones are the ones that are a challenge to remove and will require a lot of hard work in order to accomplish their removal. 

DBT is going to be a challenge for me, mind you I never thought it wouldn’t. Nothing worth the change ever is. I struggle with admittance of behaviors I have shared selectively and the fact that if I am triggering or stressed, I can’t say what that trigger is. How will I be able to work through that behavior if I can’t talk about what it is that I have done, or am thinking of doing? 

I know for right now, I am hoping that my brain will calm down so that I can sleep.