Over the weekend, I experienced a major trigger. The ones that come out of nowhere, that literally bull doze you and compound an already sensitive matter.
The matter was simply over a get together, but the problem was that the get together was not posted on the site where I just joined not even a week ago. Apparently this get together was posted in an offsite chat room, that I had visited once and realized very quickly that I didn’t like the site.
The problem that occurred, as I shared in S.A.F.E. today, was simply that an event had happened Saturday night, apparently a spur of the moment bowling game amongst a few people who happened to be on the Chat Board and not the “other” one that I was on. The following day a former friend had posted that she had a great time at bowling and I found myself instantly hurt. Thoughts of “what about me?” crept in my mind and I voiced my displeasure on the fact that both places weren’t consistent in posting the bowling, thus allowing everyone the chance to go if they wanted to. I instantly went to the place where negative self talk took over completely.
I have no problem owning my own stuff. I have no problem admitting that my triggers with Abandonment of my past, is what triggered my feelings of hurt and being forgotten on Sunday morning.
What I didn’t expect was to be bashed, ridiculed, bullied, teased so much that my boyfriend actually went to the same page, hoping to get an understanding as to why someone called me a “c” word. It fell on deaf ears.
I tried talking to my former friend via email expressing my feelings and she basically wrote back, but in the end my reply didn’t get a response. She seems to think I will be calmer in a couple of days. I expressed this isn’t the case and that even when I do calm down, there is no friendship. I my eyes, this is no longer about a bowling game, this is about loyalty to friendship. She claimed that she spent 24 hours in private emails apparently trying to defend me. I don’t believe her. It isn’t my alter ego saying “they are all out to get me”. It is the simple fact, that a person could have publicly gone on to the same thread and done a few things.
1. Deleted the thread
2. Publicly state her friendship with me and defend the situation
3. Ask that the conversation be taken to private messages
Instead, none of that happened, the direct opposite happened, where by over 500 thread messages were commented on. The thread had literally caught fire, by people who felt that they could poke fun at me at my own expense. Yes, the page was an open page, thereby anyone who read it would see what was being said. I had my boyfriend read the page and he was disgusted by what he had read. The childlike behavior that had been allowed to carry on, that never should have been.
I was accused of being a “drama lama” a “drama queen” etc. What I was, was hurt. Hurt that my friend didn’t stand up for me, hurt that my friend didn’t ask what was really wrong, considering she knows about my mental health and BPD. In the end all I saw was the losing of another friend I thought I knew, as we had been friends for several years.
Much like most of the things in my life, I recognize that I am not going to be liked by every single person who comes into my life. What I don’t accept is being bullied and attacked.
In S.A.F.E. today we talked about how the past, as in my case, abandonment and my feelings of anger, surfaced when others had gone to do something, I felt the emotions I must feel or have felt in my past. I asked my group the question of how does one be mindful of those emotions, especially when a reaction like what happened over the weekend transpires? Its like the emotions take over so quickly, there is no time to say “no, walk away”!
I realize this is only my second week of 30, yet I’ve been living this all my life.
Finding My Way Back To Myself 