BPD and Relationships – My struggle


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I’ve noticed that not only am I cranky,I am up and down like a bad roller coaster ride. I recognize that there are things going on in my life, but I don’t see that as any different than anyone else. My problem? I keep feeling this hatred, that leaves me feeling short fused and irritable. I did some reading on BPD and Relationships and it appears that the phase I am dealing with is a cycle called Love: The Hater – here is the excerpt….

Love: The Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion. But when that part makes it’s first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.

What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline’s mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe – or “the way you’re looking at me,” – she will always justify her rage by blaming you for “having to hurt her.”

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

Yep that pretty much describes me right now, but my problem is I don’t understand! I hear the words in my head, I feel the frustration around my emotions, but over what and why? There is no reason to be angry, there is no reason to feel negative thoughts.

I feel very withdrawn, again I don’t understand why. The whole thing is driving me nuts, I just want to be stable and able to be consistent with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Not one minute calm, the next angry and frustrated. I used to think it was because I didn’t get enough sleep, now I’m not so sure what it is.

In a regressive phase an aversion to touch, kissing, and sex can occur. A female BP may dishonestly submit to her partner’s needs or expectations and then withdraw into gratifying fantasies or obsessions. She may seek symbolic freedom by escaping through an extra-relationship sex or emotional triangulation. Destructive behavior protects the BP from her primal pain and prevents her from fully living her life.

http://www.primals.org/articles/hannig03.html

This resonated with me, but it wasn’t the only paragraph that did so. Reading the link has me feeling like I will never get over this disorder and be left a freak for the rest of my life. 

It is common for the borderline to lead a loved one down one emotional direction, and then suddenly and dramatically shift into another direction. Borderlines push emotional soft spots and trigger reactions in other people. The partner of a borderline may constantly have to monitor herself for emotional reactivity to the borderline’s hurtful and insensitive behavior. In essence, the BP is a problem waiting to happen. Involvement with a borderline person will eventually lead to a painful emotional roller-coaster ride. It is not uncommon for a partner of a borderline to wonder, “How did I ever get involved in this mess?’

except from the previous link.

I have no idea what to do? From what I have read, I am doing these things, and yet I don’t know why? I’m acting in the manner described, yet I don’t understand why? How am I to become well, if I don’t know the triggers that brought me to this point? 

While doing some research, I found this quote from an author who is very familiar with BPD.

“At the heart of the core wound of abandonment in BPD and its impact are many factors. Central among these factors however is the pain of loss. The pain of abandonment. The loss of authentic self.”

— A.J. Mahari in her Ebook, “Understanding BPD – The Lost Self – The Impact of the Core Wound of Abandonment”

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