Dammit it Little Girl!!

ImageI received a call from one of the facilitators today, letting me know that there isn’t going to be a S.A.F.E. group. I instantly felt my heart drop, and my frustrations rise. I understood why, it happens, people do get sick. Yet, instead of stuffing my emotions, I told her what was going on for me and how I really wanted there to be a group as I had really wanted to talk about all this stuff that has come up. The facilitator spoke to others in the office and there wasn’t anyone available to speak to me, and I told her that I used to speak to a therapist but that my file had been closed as you can only see a person “x” number of times and then they close your file. I know, its very frustrating not being able to reach out to someone who you have been seeing and doing progressive work with, only to be cut off when the government says you have reached your limit! 

Thankfully today, that wasn’t the case. I got a hold of my former therapist, it was really good to hear her voice. She helped put me at ease and explained to me the feelings I am feeling, how it is not uncommon to feel the anger I have been feeling. She asked me to really think back as to something that may have triggered my emotions. She said that anger is usually a secondary emotion, covering up for fear, sadness, emotions that spring vulnerability. In my case because of my issues with abuse/trauma/abandonment something has triggered my little girl and she is mad. 

I told my former therapist that I don’t even like who I am right now, that I want out of my own body. She said that made sense given that my little girl is the one causing the emotions, and not the adult me.  She also asked me about the DBT program and had I started it yet. I said that I had done the Mindfulness Rapid Access Group, but that I couldn’t do the DBT program as I was taking the SAFE group and couldn’t do both at the same time. I have called the DBT facilitator’s to find out if I can be put on the list (again) and wait it out, it may be a year or it may be a few weeks to months.  But my former therapist did say that I am a “processor” meaning I think things through and given that I am going to be in the current program for 30 weeks, waiting another few months is nothing in terms of time. 

Since this discussion, I feel anxious, the vulnerability of emotions that first caused my Little Girl to stomp her feet and say to herself “No one will ever do that to me again” or “No one will ever take my home away from me”  has me not wanting to go too far right now. I sometimes find when I am feeling all over the place, or raw in emotion, being around people is not first on my list of things to do. I need time to process and compose myself, so that should I be out driving or out in the mall, I’m not going to hit someone for touching me, or go off and yell at them should someone look at me funny. 

It is very confusing becoming aware of one’s emotions and trying to understand what’s current and what’s past.