I am sitting here as I write this, feeling that knot in my stomach that catches my breath. I know that I felt it when my foster dog Lucy lunged at my neighbor’s little dog and then when Blaze tried to “play” with her, she nipped at him. I’m also feeling anxious because I’m worried that my property manager will get word that I have another dog. We are only supposed to have one dog. I know the rules, but at the same time, I want things my way and wanted two. I used to have 2 until my Rizzo passed away last December.
My neighbor asked if I was hiding her and I was honest and said no, that if P learns of Lucy I will be honest with him about her. I may or may not get in trouble and I may have to give her back to the rescue facility. Is this what being selfish does to a person?
Anyone who knows me, knows I am a huge animal advocate and I rescue animals versus buying from breeders. My only saving grace is Lucy is quiet and only wants to go in the yard to do her business and then go back in.
As for the anxiety, that’s to do with being asked to go out for dinner with C to see his friend who is moving with her fiance out-of-town in June. I chose not to go, I’m not comfortable leaving the house other than walking the dogs or a quick stop at the store.
Social anxiety is something I do struggle with and most times I am happiest with an errand that is not far from home. Is this common with BPD people? Then there are times I feel better at home, only going somewhere when required. But this also has an effect of me feeling very lonely and anxious as well. So its like a bad mix.
I have a very hard time with following through with plans. Most times out of say 5 scheduled events, I may, if I’m lucky attend 1. I get overwhelmed very easy, I often will want to find a corner where I won’t be noticed and can duck out early. I don’t know why this is, but it is what it is.
Right now, I am listening to the tv and looking outside my rec-room window at the sun starting to sink down for the evening, watching birds fly to my two bird feeders. I find these images relaxing. My two dogs are also with me, napping on the bed beside me. This makes me feel safe. I’m sure many people would find this odd and think I’m weird, but this is what works now.
I think I will go and continue knitting, something I returned to about a week and a half ago. I used to do it when I was a girl. I find it soothing and relaxing. Right now I am working on a scarf for myself, then I want to make one for C and eventually get to making a blanket for my bed.