I’ve heard the phrase “Self Sabotage” many times over the years; apparently with being Borderline the two go hand in hand. I’ve begun to recognize some stuff that is destructive in my behavior. For example, I lost 19lbs and now I have gained 6 of those back (it was 8 but I lost 1.5lbs so far). During the day I am so good, I follow the rules as the means to achieve the goal of reducing my weight back to my achieved goal before moving on to the last of the weight I want to lose, but as soon as late night hits, I get up and I eat. Doesn’t matter if it is carbs or things like cereal. I have no idea why this is, I don’t question it too much. I do hear the voice in my head saying all the negative words, the ones that beat me up inside and yet I don’t do anything. Its like my fingers and mind have overridden the voices, as a means of being self righteous and deserving. Kinda like saying “F— You, I’m hungry and I want this”. I don’t understand how all day I behave, I eat when I am hungry, I make sure to drink water etc. and then BAM 10-1030pm or so if I want to eat, instead of maybe having a drink of water or something, I go for the food.
Rinse, Recycle, and Repeat. I don’t get it and I want it to stop.
How do I do that though? Is that part of the learning of observation? Is the first step just realizing I do this? Man I really hope the next session of 10 weeks, helps me to understand why I do this behavior, or learn ways to appreciate myself so that it will stop. Otherwise the self harm I do now will never stop.