Sabotage


I’ve heard the phrase “Self Sabotage” many times over the years; apparently with being Borderline the two go hand in hand. I’ve begun to recognize some stuff that is destructive in my behavior. For example, I lost 19lbs and now I have gained 6 of those back (it was 8 but I lost 1.5lbs so far). During the day I am so good, I follow the rules as the means to achieve the goal of reducing my weight back to my achieved goal before moving on to the last of the weight I want to lose, but as soon as late night hits, I get up and I eat. Doesn’t matter if it is carbs or things like cereal. I have no idea why this is, I don’t question it too much. I do hear the voice in my head saying all the negative words, the ones that beat me up inside and yet I don’t do anything. Its like my fingers and mind have overridden the voices, as a means of being self righteous and deserving. Kinda like saying “F— You, I’m hungry and I want this”. I don’t understand how all day I behave, I eat when I am hungry, I make sure to drink water etc. and then BAM 10-1030pm or so if I want to eat, instead of maybe having a drink of water or something, I go for the food. 

Rinse, Recycle, and Repeat. I don’t get it and I want it to stop. 

How do I do that though? Is that part of the learning of observation? Is the first step just realizing I do this? Man I really hope the next session of 10 weeks, helps me to understand why I do this behavior, or learn ways to appreciate myself so that it will stop. Otherwise the self harm I do now will never stop. 

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2 thoughts on “Sabotage

  1. Writing this has helped a lot, it doesn’t fix by any means, but last night I was are more conscious of the late night hour than I ever made myself pay attention to.

  2. i understand this. I often finding myself feeling and thinking the same things just before eating something fattening or sugary here in Tx. i think it has to do with my family of origin. But knowing and realizing it is a big step to changing the behavior. The other part is replacing the bad voice with an affirming one. i am not good at doing that myself . We can work on this together.

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