Scared leads to vulnerable

Today was the last of our 10 week session. We still have 2 more sessions to go but there is a 3 week break in between. I told my group today that this scares me. Its tough already to not have a group to know I am going to weekly, but it is even tougher not to have something to go to in between. 

One of our facilitators told us today about an international group called Recovery International. Here is the link for Canada  It is open to everyone, you don’t need to be pre-screened, nor do you need a doctor’s referral. As soon as she mentioned this group to us, I felt a lot better. 

As it was our final week today, we did a show and tell kind of group. Group members got to share a bit about themselves and/or share hobbies that they do. I took in my scarf I have been working on. I really hesitated in sharing because I was scared people wouldn’t like it, or that they would judge how it turned out. I did say that it was my first time since I was a young girl, of picking up a pair of needles and stitching. The comments I heard were “the yarn is so soft!” and “your rows look really good”. I know I smiled a lot as I heard the feedback, and yet it scared me. The what if’s and that vulnerable feeling of being open with people with something I like to do, could have easily made me throw up. 

We were asked to describe a feeling and what we would be walking away with today. I remember saying I was scared and that I feel like I have just scratched the surface (or another way to look at it is to say I am dusting off a layer) and that even though that is happening, I am still actively doing self harm behaviors. J,one of the facilitators, mentioned to me that I have done good work in group and that she seems me as curious and wanting to know, which is an observation, but I do agree with her. I am curious, I know I have a long road ahead of me, and it was a relief to hear that we are allowed to come back to the SAFE group after we have completed our 30 weeks. She said she has had people come back and do multiple sessions over a 10 year period, so that gives me hope that once I finish this run that I am not left to hang out to dry and fend for myself. 

I reminded myself today, outloud, that I am not very good with good byes and change, but that I am slowly getting better that change does happen, whether we like it or not.