My boyfriend and I were talking the other day. I have been really troubled by my emotions etc.
I went back in my mind to a moment (actually the one I wrote about from my experience in therapy recently) when I realized my little girl was angry that C had gone out of town. The reason this has become important is that since C has returned I had created a post called Cats and Blinds and can be found here: https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/.
After discussing things more in depth with C, I realized that my little girl is yet again angry. Seems she is angry that C is home. I realized that she is angry because she knows that even with him home, he will go away again in the winter and she doesn’t like it. I feel like she is a very angry, angry person.
I have started to realize just how angry and sad she is. She gets angry when people go away, she gets angry when they come back (more so if she knows they are going to be going away down the road). I know she is afraid, she is afraid that when a person leaves, they will not come back; just like her father did when he passed away. I’ve tried to console her, I’ve visualized holding her, soothing her tears, letting her know that I will always be here for her, but it isn’t enough. She wants what she wants and she wants her daddy. I find this very sad, so sad that so much of my adult life has been held back because my inner child has been so hurt that she has destroyed a lot of my adult life.
She has affected my career, my friends, my family, my relationships. But if you ask me how do I control her? I would tell you that I don’t know; this is very new to me. I’ve heard of having an inner child and that you can soothe the inner child, but I’ve never actually done this.
I find myself at a crossroad right now. I know that I want the adult to run my life, yet the little girl has held that position my entire life and I (as the adult) have never known it. I’ve done a lot of work on various parts of my life and have felt the benefits of closure on things. But this, this is huge. This is a vital part of who I am.
Yet I feel scared and lost.
The best support network to have right now would be my mom and my sister. They know me best, they’ve been in the path with me, but they have their own closure and I, well I don’t so it seems. I’ve put my father’s soul in its place spiritually (through the help of therapy) and know he is where he belongs. Having said that, how can my inner child still have such a deep rooted hold of my adult life?
She controls so much of my life, more than I ever realized.