Everyday we as people are held accountable for our actions. Yet, there are times when I know I am sabotaging my own benefits and successes, because I believe I don’t deserve the accolades of the work I have done. I have been working hard at losing weight. At one point I had gotten down to my lowest weight since having my hysterectomy March 9, 2011. I remember feeling proud and elated! I also remember hearing a voice in my head saying “ok, your good, go back to what you were eating” which at the time I had figured I deserved because I had worked hard at dropping 19.5 pounds. Well, before too long I sabotaged that to now where I am at where I am now 12.5 pounds down.  I’ve internally struggled because I see myself eating a tablespoon of peanut butter, or a tablespoon of jam, or some of this, or some of that and soon as it is in my mouth, it is forgotten about. 

Well that all changed yesterday, I belong to a forum on Facebook called The Get Fit Forum. I check in there daily and yesterday I and another member were chatting and it was decided she was going to hold me accountable to my weight loss, as I have been struggling for about a month and a half now. 

For whatever reason, I had chosen to settle at the 19.5 pounds. Never have I had to lose what I see as a lot of weight that being a total of 35 to 40lbs.. The most I’ve ever lost is 20lbs and that was many years ago, but back then that was all I needed to do.  I am pleased with myself in that I have gone to the rec center x3 this week, yet as I sit here I am bored and melancholy. I’ve come to realize I don’t do well when i don’t have things to do outside my home. 

I did take my dogs for a walk and combined it with a walk over to the park so they could run and I walked the perimeter. I felt good for doing something, yet I also felt like I did something half-assed too.  I’m feeling bummed out, I don’t know if it is the reality I have been avoiding, or if it is the weather? I’ve been dealing with headaches a little too often, which is not a good thing. It means I have been internalizing things again. 

I am choosing to take look hard at myself and it is sad for me. I feel an overwhelming loss and yet hopefulness.  I am hopeful that being blunt and honest with myself will help in breaking patterns that have sabotaged me in the past. 

They say footprints in the sand help show the path you had behind you, I’m curious to see what the fresh blanketed sand will show me in front of me.