Facing the fear that has bound me


I arrived at the event with my boyfriend. The energy was flying through the room, you could feel it like it was plugged into a light socket. We paid and went in, there was lots of people milling about, chatting, sharing hugs and catch-ups! I looked around, not knowing where I was to sit or if there would even be a place to sit. Often times if you don’t get there early, you won’t get a seat, such as the case for us… for a while anyways. 

When I first arrived, without even thinking I acknowledged one of the people who was the originator of the drama as I call it. She said nothing. I felt like I knew how this night was going to go based on that one persons personality towards me. As my boyfriend and I are further in the room, I see people I know and I am whispering to him as we are talking, suddenly, someone who I didn’t expect to walk up to me did! She came up and said hello, I wasn’t expecting it. I introduced her to my boyfriend, and the three of us had a conversation. It went well and although she and I didn’t speak anymore, I felt accepted by her, who at one time didn’t want anything to do with me…. baby steps I told myself. Her husband and I acknowledged one another with a wave. I almost walked over to say hello to him, but I stopped myself, I felt that fear of rejection creep in and decided to stay where I was. 

As the evening went on, we spoke with more people, I introduced him to quite a few and it helped to see him interacting, yet I couldn’t take my eyes off the table that at one time I was a part of. Then “she” walked in, the one who wrote the email. I mentioned her to C and he asked me if I was alright. I said yes, that the last thing I was going to do was make a scene. Never once did we speak, make eye contact and I didn’t send my congratulations for her upcoming nuptials. I don’t believe in being fake for the sake of “saving face”. 

After a while I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided to go and talk to the one person who helped me move, who helped me change my life for the better. It was a little nerve wracking at first, I wasn’t sure if he would keep it strictly to the task at hand, or if he would be social. Knowing the person I used to know, I felt he would be social, but given I’ve not spoken to him in several years, I wasn’t sure at all.  Things went well, I even introduced him to C and I know he liked that.  I shared with him my diagnosis and he was surprised, he truly hadn’t heard. We both said that in hindsight perhaps we could see it now, to which I agreed. I also learned that evening that another friend of mine is open about her mental health and when she realized we had the same disorder we “high fived” one another :), because we realized we weren’t alone. 

At one point of the evening prizes were given out, and my number got called! We won a weekend pass for Whistler in November! I had to do something in order to receive my prize and I was giggling and laughing as I literally became shy which is such an odd thing for me, as I’ve drawn to being an exhibitionist in the past, but I think being told what I would be doing, versus on my own terms, caused me to shy a bit. In the end I did the task to many cheers of delight and laughter all around. It felt good to laugh “with” versus being laughed at. 

I do not know what the future holds with my one time group of friends I had a strong tie with, all I know is that some were able to move on and move forward, and a few are and probably always will be stuck; to which there is nothing I can do about. 

We will see one another again in a couple of months and again we will see what improves. I know I probably should be very angry at what happened, yet all I feel is calm, all I know is I am working on me, and I am a good person and always have been. 

The fear that has bound me, the tie has gotten a bit looser, at least now I can move more than I could before. 

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