Anger and Triggers

I have asked myself this so many times, yet I know the answer. I reply and wait…. then when I don’t hear anything I feel the bitterness boil inside of me. I ask myself time and time again, why do they do this to me? Why don’t the ever acknowledge what I say with a response?  I ask something simple like “why are you at ****” not a hard question to answer, yet I know the comment is received, but nothing, no reply, no acknowledgement of an existence; the same crap I have dealt with my whole ***** life!

Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves~ Miguel Ruiz

I just saw this quote on my Twitter feed and it stopped me in my thoughts for a moment. Is it possible what I experienced is not because of me, but more to do with them? 

I’m afraid, afraid to let go, as much as I have been on my own for most of my life as it is, knowing they were in the back of my mind, meant they were still apart of my family (in my mind). Yet, the reality is, I am not a part of them, even though they know what is wrong with me, they know the work I am doing to heal myself from the inside out, none of them ask how I am doing, what I am doing, or if I would like to see them. How much more of an avoidance do I need to go through? How much longer til I realize I am not family to them? How much longer til I realize that I am better off without them? I created my family with my fur children and my partner. 

Yet…. the trigger of being ignored deliberately hurts. It stirs up resentments and frustrations that no one can or will understand. Then there is this part of me that hangs on, I know who it is, she is about 7 years old, afraid of being alone, confused and scared. I take care of her, when she feels that way and now, she is one angry girl. She wants for once to be noticed by her family. She wants her bio family to hold her, to love her, to listen to her. It’s the perfect definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for different results.” 

I remember that I am  to breathe now, deeply and exhale slowly. The hope of driving the anxiety out of my system and into the universe. To envision a calm, serene place to place my troubles on. Here, I envision a babbling brook, and I have set up a box to float down stream, after I have tossed in the troubles that I have no control over. I then fold it up and watch it float down stream. Usually, this works very well and it does help release the anxious feelings, but not now.

I have been knitting for a while now, and finally realize that it helps me to focus on something other than what is going on inside of my body or my head. I’ve also fallen in love with classic old movies. My boyfriend and I will watch them for hours sometimes, it really helps me to feel that even though I have my troubles, these movies remind me of a time that maybe weren’t as difficult. 

I’m starting to come down from my anxiety now, that feeling of being tired and exhausted is washing over me like an ocean wave against sand.  I look around me and on my bed is one of my dogs and she is sleeping between us; the other has gone to bed in his kennel. My cats are doing all sorts of things that make them happy, seeing all of this, helps me realize my fur children are safe and loved. 


2 thoughts on “Anger and Triggers

  1. There is a base level of respect we have to give others in order to respect ourselves. Part of that is acknowledgment. Every human being should be recognized as a person.
    There is also another aspect here. Expectation and acceptance. It may very well be outside of your families ability to cope and deal with your struggles. It may be because of resentments , family dynamics, or they may just lack the ability.
    These are the rock of expectation that you are hitting my dear. You are expecting them, and in my humble opinion rightly so, to cope, deal with and include a family member with a mental illness instead of shunning, ignoring, and locking you in the proverbial attic of asylum out of sight. After all this is 2012 not 1809. Whether or not it is a rational and reasonable expectation doesn’t change that it is this unmet expectation and need that is causing the hurt.
    In order to remove the pain of hitting unmet expectations we have to accept the reality involved. We can not expect the hammer to feel like a pillow no matter how many times we strike our hand with it. You can not expect your family to act inclusive if they are not going to be. Accept that they are who they are with their limitation.
    Acceptance of others self destructive behavior is best described as “a loving neutrality”. Acceptance of others destructive behavior in your life is to understand that consequence is the way of boundaries and allowing consequence without judgement or malice.
    It is really really hard to do. I know personally how hard that is. However , IF you can accept that these people…. your bio family….. may not be CAPABLE of loving or including you in the way you want or need you will remove those sharp and pointy rocks of expectation you keep being hurt on.

    I love you.

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