Mood Swings

I haven’t written anything since my last blog. I had received an email as a result of that post and although I didn’t respond back, I admit I have been most likely “laying low” and deliberately not posting anything, when in fact I need to be. Not for anyone else, but for me and what is my outlet. 

I’m sure what I’m about to post, may in fact be part of my cycle of being Borderline/BPD but it sure is hard on me and definitely hard on my boyfriend. Yet, when I told him this afternoon when he returned from being out, how I was feeling (which lately seems to be angry), he put his hand on my thigh, looked me square in the face and told me that he is 100% in  with me, that my well being is what’s most important to him.

I said I feel very selfish and that when I say something to him, I’m not being manipulative, I’m just expressing how I feel about something. Like right now, because I haven’t been feeling very sexual (whether it be about my body, or hormones etc), for the first time in nearly 2 years of our relationship, I felt very insecure and jealous. I know myself well enough to know that those two emotions are about me, and no one else. I expressed to him why I felt these emotions and again, he didn’t get  (I thought he would). He was very reassuring, he reminded me that ever since I had my hysterectomy, my moods, my body and all that goes with it, have never been and won’t be the same as before. 

He knows I am really worried about not feeling sexual, that I never ever thought I would be “one of those” relationships where the spouses seldom had sex (like once a month or something)! Maybe I need to have a really good cry and grieve the loss of my reproductive organs? I just don’t know what to do. What I do know, is that ever since I have been doing my therapy sessions, I have felt a huge stirrings of anger. When I spoke to my therapist about this, she said she is not surprised and that what I am going through, she said that it is “very normal” for someone with my diagnosis. I also told her about the lack of sex desire and intimacy, that sometimes I get very irritated if my boyfriend tries to hug me. (Yet this morning he came up behind me in the kitchen, and he snuggled me, I was actually receptive (and it felt very nice). 

I’m also wondering if my being unwell all weekend, when we had plans for a get together on Friday and the bbq on the Saturday, both days I was not well. I was feverish, stomach problems, headaches, teeth aches, low back aches. I even looked really tired and pale. My boyfriend said he thought I did look very tired and wanted me to go and lay down yesterday. Yet today, I do feel somewhat better, still have a bit of an upset tummy, but nothing near as terrible as yesterday (thank goodness). So I went to the gym as I have for the last 6 weeks, at 5 times a week.

I said to him I wondered if I had subconsciously sabotaged our plans for the weekend so that I didn’t have to go anywhere? 

Am I in fact coming into an awareness that I have never seen before? I even mentally used my trigger sheet in my mind’s eye, picking a topic and breaking that topic down to figure out what precisely it was that had me in such angst. (this is huge for me!)

So why is it I feel terrible that the emotions I am feeling do play a role in our relationship?