I haven’t written anything since my last blog. I had received an email as a result of that post and although I didn’t respond back, I admit I have been most likely “laying low” and deliberately not posting anything, when in fact I need to be. Not for anyone else, but for me and what is my outlet.
I said I feel very selfish and that when I say something to him, I’m not being manipulative, I’m just expressing how I feel about something. Like right now, because I haven’t been feeling very sexual (whether it be about my body, or hormones etc), for the first time in nearly 2 years of our relationship, I felt very insecure and jealous. I know myself well enough to know that those two emotions are about me, and no one else. I expressed to him why I felt these emotions and again, he didn’t get (I thought he would). He was very reassuring, he reminded me that ever since I had my hysterectomy, my moods, my body and all that goes with it, have never been and won’t be the same as before.
He knows I am really worried about not feeling sexual, that I never ever thought I would be “one of those” relationships where the spouses seldom had sex (like once a month or something)! Maybe I need to have a really good cry and grieve the loss of my reproductive organs? I just don’t know what to do. What I do know, is that ever since I have been doing my therapy sessions, I have felt a huge stirrings of anger. When I spoke to my therapist about this, she said she is not surprised and that what I am going through, she said that it is “very normal” for someone with my diagnosis. I also told her about the lack of sex desire and intimacy, that sometimes I get very irritated if my boyfriend tries to hug me. (Yet this morning he came up behind me in the kitchen, and he snuggled me, I was actually receptive (and it felt very nice).
I’m also wondering if my being unwell all weekend, when we had plans for a get together on Friday and the bbq on the Saturday, both days I was not well. I was feverish, stomach problems, headaches, teeth aches, low back aches. I even looked really tired and pale. My boyfriend said he thought I did look very tired and wanted me to go and lay down yesterday. Yet today, I do feel somewhat better, still have a bit of an upset tummy, but nothing near as terrible as yesterday (thank goodness). So I went to the gym as I have for the last 6 weeks, at 5 times a week.
I said to him I wondered if I had subconsciously sabotaged our plans for the weekend so that I didn’t have to go anywhere?
Am I in fact coming into an awareness that I have never seen before? I even mentally used my trigger sheet in my mind’s eye, picking a topic and breaking that topic down to figure out what precisely it was that had me in such angst. (this is huge for me!)