For most of my life, I’ve always been identified by my body. I silently struggled with eating disorders, but never said a word to anyone. As the years have gone on, the intensity has only heightened.
Everything about who I am has been measured by food scales, tape measures, weight loss meetings, extensive exercising and journalling. When that didn’t work, I resorted to ephedra, hydroxicut and other means of fast weight loss. I’ve worked out for many hours, for many days beyond 5 days a week. When I trained for karate, my heart soared with the spirit, a true passion for something deeper than myself.
Yesterday in SAFE, we talked about the Pathological Critic, during my group session one of the members had commented about her own observation surrounding being overweight. She said she recognizes that she is a good person, is smart, but does need to lose some weight. I realized upon hearing this, that after a few seconds, this resonated with me, but not in the way that it did for her.
You see, for me, the Pathological Critic has run my life, my entire life. I remember being 12 years old and having an exercise magazine under my bed and every night doing the exercises in the magazine. I remember using the tape measure regularly. I also remember my mom having a scale to measure her food when she was wanting to lose weight. I don’t know any other way of life.
I feel very defeated and lost today. My core rocked, and even though it is dysfunctional and not healthy, it is what I know. I don’t have an identity. I know that during our group we talked about finding other things we are good at, and focusing on those. As much as I know how loving I am to animals and true to my friends, the Pathological Critic takes over all thoughts, all emotions and feelings.
People have complimented me, have shared how they admire me, all positive words and thoughts. I shy away, I have worked on saying “Thank You” for years now and although I am genuine to give support to those in need, to give support to myself, seems wrong.
So…. where does a person go from here? What does a person do when their core belief of who they “think they are” and you have no idea what is underneath. You have no idea WHO the person is, or her Identity? While it is true that life hasn’t been great, and at times down right miserable, that there has to be something better than what I’ve experienced so far?
The feelings I feel today are heavy, my entire life feels as though it has been a lie. I wish I could go back to birth and minus the behaviors I have developed, exchange those for the true person I am.
Fear has damaged a lot of my life. Abandonment sends me into complete chaos. I don’t want this running my life anymore.
What do these new steps look like? What will I look like?