I was struggling a lot in therapy yesterday. We were talking about Personal Power and what it meant to each of us. As I heard other’s comments, I could literally hear my other voice in my head saying a lot of negative things. I tried to remain open to the idea of what was being suggested; that Personal Power is a good thing.
I felt the anger that I have felt for the last few days, bubbling inside of me. My thoughts pushing out the positive words and replacing them with “they are only trying to change your mind”, “that Personal Power is another way to control you”.
I spoke to the group about what I was experiencing; I figured that the trigger happened when another person had commented about having consequences for pushing power. She said “what if you have learned that if you pushed power, you pay the price for it?” (not verbatim). The terror she felt was evident and I could feel the anxiety in myself rise.
I learned about consequences for pushing power as a child, teen and adult. Now any time I hear the word Power, I instantly think control; when that happens my anger rises and may back hackles go up. I realize that letting go of something is terrifying for me.
I told the group that I feel like I am splitting inside my head. I feel like all I have ever known, created and survived by is being challenged. One side of my head is pushing all I know, I hear the voices saying to me that Personal Power is just another means of trying to control me. I find myself wanting to wander back to what I know, even though I know the outcome for most of those thoughts and experiences, they are familiar to me; I know how some if not all will turn out.
Personal Power, as I am trying to understand, is not about control, it is about being in control of your own power; your own independence; your own life.
Feeling split in my mind happens sometimes every single day. It is a fight sometimes just to get up in the morning.
I spoke with the therapist after our session and expressed to her a lot of what I have written here. She summed up that for the small amount that she knows of me, she completely understands the anger and frustration I feel. She also said that its hard to remember that for all of my life I have lived one way of existence. When one introduces a new opportunity, it will take time to adjust and accept what applies and works for me. But remember I’ve lived one way for a very long long time and that the only hope is that I take away tools that will help me live a better life.
Right now, for me, a sense of balance would be nice.