Living with BPD from The Inside


 

I thought I would write about what it is like to live with BPD. I have found as I research my disorder, I get overwhelmed with the medical jargon that is out there. Sometimes, just plain, simple “BPD for Dummies” would be an awesome book to have! 

So, what’s it like to wake up everyday? Well, some days are hard, I’ve had days where I woke up pissed off at the world and not have a clue why. I’ve not had a vivid dream in a while, so I can’t say it is because of a bad dream. I recently had blood work done and learned that my testosterone is very low which contributes to my moods. I am now working with a naturopath on healthy and safe ways to improve my body, so that my mind will feel balanced. 

I also had no progesterone in my body since my surgery. Imagine not having your doctor give this medication to you because he didn’t feel that it would really “do” anything or that “there was no written medical data” to confirm the benefits of using bio-identical progesterone compound. I can say, after a week of using the compound nightly, that I have started to feel “lighter” and my moods aren’t flying off the handle quite like they were. 

I’ve struggled for over a year since I had my hysterectomy; never knowing if my moods are to do with the results of the surgery, or if they were because of BPD. Ever tried to figure something out that wasn’t as simple as drawing it on a piece of paper and getting your answer? It’s annoying and very frustrating. However, at least now I have a stepping stone to help support my body, mind and spirit connection. 

My diet has changed as well. Gone are the days of anything with wheat, sugar, rice, pasta, breads,anything to do with chemicals. I’ve been eating a lot of flax-seed, walnuts, almonds, salads, beef, chicken and salmon as well as fruits. I have a new-found relationship with almond butter and apples together, YUM! What a great combination! Humus and Tzatziki sauces with cut up celery, carrots, cucumber replace the days of mindless eating. From my garden I have cherry tomatoes and large tomatoes that I have been eating as well, I eat them very happily as I know not one ounce of pesticide has been sprayed on them! 

The reason I mention all of the above is I have become acutely aware of how eating a very well-balanced diet will help my moods and how fast they swing. It by no means “cures” me, but along with getting sleep (something I do struggle with even now), I can only see positive benefits from this combination. 

I also learned I am dealing with adrenal fatigue, something that doesn’t surprise me, but knowing this helps me clear my head of feeling like I am slipping into a depression. It’s important for me to know what is happening with my body, so I don’t feel I have defeated the purpose of getting well. 

When it comes to my moods and BPD, fear and anger are two emotions that come to the surface when a trigger has been hit. Sometimes it is fear that surfaces first, other times it is anger. When I am angry, it is hard to remind myself of the steps I have been learning, to control that emotion and work through it. I’ve also realized that a lot of thought patterns are very ingrained in my mind. When I think about changing those negative thoughts and leaning towards the other options to use, I do become overwhelmed. Our therapists have recommended small steps to help with changing a thought pattern. I do have to remember that I’ve had my whole life to use the ways I have and now I am only learning and using bits and pieces towards healthier living. I’m bound to slip and fall from time to time. 

I know there is so much more that I could write today, but truth be told I am also coping with a nasty headache and would really benefit from being away from the monitor. 

 

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