Letting Go

They say that sometimes all you need to do is change the words from one meaning to another. 

Today in therapy we were talking about Forgiveness. However, for many of us, to forgive we felt means that we are letting the other person “off the hook”.  Even though that is not what any of us were implying, that is what is felt among us. 

It was suggested that we change the word from forgiveness to “letting go”.  I struggle with “letting go”. I realized today that as much as I do not want to carry around the emotions I feel from my past, the moment they or any part of them are mentioned, I feel instant emotion…. in this case anger, hurt, fear, resentment. 

When it became time to conclude for today’s session, we are asked to talk about what we are taking away from the session as well as naming a positive word. Lately, I have been really struggling with taking something positive for me. I can name things I am happy about doing, but not about what I am happy to be taking with me from group. 

Back to the topic at hand… letting go. 

I feel this strangling vine around my heart, the more I work on “letting go” the more the vine wants to tighten around my heart. I heard something today that has really resonated with me:

You can’t expect to drink poison and watch the other person die

I took this to mean that I can’t expect to feel all the emotions that I do as a result of things I didn’t have control over and watch someone “die” from the results.  Yet, the fear is so consuming, how do I “let it go”. 

Members of my family have said to me over the years “you have to let the past go and move on”. The other thing that has been said to me is “your g.p brain washed you, if they didn’t you wouldn’t be this way”. I think what hurts the most is I have lived with BPD clearly since I was a young girl, then into teenage, young woman and now into my 40’s. I, like most people, didn’t sign this to be my dance card. I didn’t even know that this is what I had! 

What does “letting go” look like? Is it taking a page of a book and ripping it out, one page at a time? 

I realize that we all do the best we can with the tools we have, however, having said that, I feel like I am stuck. I recognize half of an equation, the healthier side and the other side is petrified to let go of all that she has ever known. 

Where do I find the middle ground and allow acceptance to come in 100%? 

I’ve been working on “me” for several years now, each time a layer of dysfunction is removed and replaced with “ah ha’s” the relief I have felt as the negative energy erases from my soul and shoulders, then turns to exhaustion from the years of holding those moments close to my heart.

*sigh*, I know I will probably write on this again, hopefully with some “ah ha’s” and replacement of dysfunction with positive love and light. I can see from the writing above, that I know where my “stuck” is, but it is the “letting go” that scares me.