I have been feeling this way since yesterday afternoon after 4pm. My heart races, my thoughts scattered, feelings intensified, hands clammy. Mine got worse as I was leaving to go to a BBQ with my boyfriend. He knew just by looking at me that something was wrong. I shared with him that I don’t know what specifically it is, although I have a few thoughts as to what could be the trigger.
When I feel like this, there is very little anyone can do to help make the intensity calmer. I did share my feelings with our friends and with my boyfriend. But somehow that didn’t make it any better. I was offered a drink of alcohol to see if that would take the edge off, however, that didn’t work and I knew it wouldn’t; I wasn’t in the mood to drink. I wanted to crawl inside myself and hide, to find my safe place and rock back and forth.
The evening progressed and we had our dinner, I ate very quietly and our hosts worked their magic with the bbq. Dinner was amazing! Yet even with the laughter and conversations, I still couldn’t shake the feelings of dread and inadequacy from my mind. Racing thoughts of nothing in particular, I felt hyper vigilant about every noise I heard. I could hear my dog Lucy every time she barked, she would then get the other two with her all riled up. After I tended to them, took them out, and spent some time with them alone, where I felt calmer with just them, I returned them to the car. Shortly thereafter I heard Lucy howl, I couldn’t handle all the commotion anymore. (We were sitting outside enjoying the evening, our friends and my boyfriend enjoying the hot tub (I am very uncomfortable with being in a bathing suit and having people see me), to which I didn’t participate in).
We pack up and head home, dogs in tow, me and my anxiety to the point of me just wanting to be at home. I knew I would feel safe at home, no pressure, no noise. Just my fur kids and my guy.
We get the dogs settled and I finally get into bed, I am on sitting up and I start rocking back and forth for a few minutes (for whatever reason when I feel anxious, I do this). I just wanted the feelings to go away, I wanted the anxiety to just stop rushing through me, my brain to slow down (if you were to ask me what was on my mind, I couldn’t even tell you anyways).
I finally drifted off to sleep, woke up about 4 hours later and fell back asleep for about 3 more hours. This morning I felt somewhat calmer than I had been, but as the day has gone on, my anxiety level has increased once again.
I feel frustrated over a situation I am helping out in, but I realize there is nothing I can do to make that go any faster than what it is. I am telling myself to just let it go, but I have responsibilities to people, phone calls to make and times to confirm again. I’ve already decided that next month we are taking a break from helping with transport for the rescue organization, I need to get me and my emotions in better balance, so that when things happen, and they do, that I don’t allow them to affect me like they have.
In the meantime, I’ve got to get a grip on my feelings, I have people counting on me tonight.