BPD and Inner Demons

I’m dealing with some personal demons, I know, how is that different than any other day! This is really different and I could really do with some support right now. My ex’s daughter is in town, we’ve always stayed in touch and she really wants to see me. I am ashamed of how I look, I know I can tell myself that it is from the surgery etc., yet I judge myself because I don’t look the same as I once did, nor do I like the way I look and feel. She is here for only a few days, I know i’m being selfish, but my fear of being seen the way that I am, makes me feel embarrassed  especially when she will tell people she spent some time with me, and I can hear her saying “she’s great, however, she’s put on a ton of weight!”.

I hear the negative and it is impossible to replace with the positive tools I have been learning at SAFE. I feel shallow and yet I feel afraid. I hear “no one is going to love you because you are fat”! Even though she has sent me a msg saying she wants to see me and that she misses me.

The cycle restarts in my head and off I go. 

I want to be brave, I do want to see her.

I want to be strong for myself, I’ve overcome difficult obstacles before.

I want to be accepted and understood.