BPD and Inner Demons

I’m dealing with some personal demons, I know, how is that different than any other day! This is really different and I could really do with some support right now. My ex’s daughter is in town, we’ve always stayed in touch and she really wants to see me. I am ashamed of how I look, I know I can tell myself that it is from the surgery etc., yet I judge myself because I don’t look the same as I once did, nor do I like the way I look and feel. She is here for only a few days, I know i’m being selfish, but my fear of being seen the way that I am, makes me feel embarrassed  especially when she will tell people she spent some time with me, and I can hear her saying “she’s great, however, she’s put on a ton of weight!”.

I hear the negative and it is impossible to replace with the positive tools I have been learning at SAFE. I feel shallow and yet I feel afraid. I hear “no one is going to love you because you are fat”! Even though she has sent me a msg saying she wants to see me and that she misses me.

The cycle restarts in my head and off I go. 

I want to be brave, I do want to see her.

I want to be strong for myself, I’ve overcome difficult obstacles before.

I want to be accepted and understood. 



2 thoughts on “BPD and Inner Demons

  1. Its your beauty on the inside that she will see and remark on hun, she loves you. and Love really is blind, if only you could love yourself the same way. We all put on weight, we take it off, we grow grey hairs and brand new wrinkles…. time is not our friend, so be your own. Love the person you are like so many others do, and the extra pounds, grey hairs, and wrinkles wont matter half as much as they do now. … I know that when you look in the mirror your not happy with what you see, i know that feeling very well… so close your eyes, and see yourself the way you do in your mind… The most beautiful people in the world, arent necessarily physically perfect, but believe that they are… Let the goddess inside shine thru. Thats what she will see. ❤

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