I watched a powerful Dr. Phil episode yesterday. It was originally about a couple who were having an affair, but he was still married and the other woman is 5 months pregnant. That wasn’t what drew me to the program, it was the second segment where a woman who was the product of an affair that her mother had and at the age of 11 the young woman learned that the man who she thought was her father, never was; the mother’s lover was.
This woman when she shared her feelings, how she felt that people hated her when they looked at her. That she hated her mother for not loving her the way she wanted and craved. The woman wanted that 11-year-old girl to feel the love that she always craved.
I saw my life! I saw my little 7-year-old girl, wishing that she too had the love she has always craved.
Dr. Phil had the pregnant woman sit in a chair and the other woman sit and face one another. He prepared them both for the roles they were about to take on. The pregnant woman was going to be the other’s mother and the woman was going to tell her everything she had wanted to tell her, her whole life.
I related to this woman in ways I have never related to anyone before. At times, she struggled, shaking with emotion at telling her mother how much she hated knowing she was the product of an affair, that she hated feeling that she wasn’t worthy for anyone to be in her life (meanwhile she has had a husband for 15 years, who has stood by her, believing that she is worthy of loving).
Dr. Phil asked this woman how much longer she was going to be held in her emotional prison? She said she didn’t want to be. I realized that I have been held by my own emotional prison as well. That my 7-year-old little girl who has been wanting that need to be filled, will never get it from my mother, she will be getting it from me. Dr. Phil told the woman that it will be baby steps, and that he will set her up with therapy if she wants. I am thrilled she has chosen to. At one point he asked the audience if they thought she was not worthy of looking at and if they agreed to stand up. No a soul stood up. He also asked if anyone would stare at her because she is the result of her parent’s affair, no one stood up. But when he asked everyone if they felt it was time that she stopped punishing herself, EVERYONE stood up including her husband and clapped.
I have been doing some research myself on emotional prison and how to work through it. I know that my work will always be ongoing, and I am going to continue having good days and bad days.
Even this morning, we are supposed to go to a Thanksgiving dinner, but my boyfriend has to work til after dinner hour, I was hesitating on going. I heard my inner voice, telling my inner child that I was going to make sure she enjoyed her turkey dinner. I checked with our friends, and they are quite happy to have me come out, and C come out after work.
I will take my power back.
I want to live my life.
I want to be happy.
I want to honor my little girl.
I want to live.