I get frustrated. I get frustrated so very easily. Then as my emotions simmer down, I isolate and want there to be quiet or I want quiet and to be left alone, usually with just myself and the animals. I posed a question in a BPD forum on Facebook asking if others go through this experience and so far it seems others do as well. Some said they do every day, some were able to state how often during the week, both viewpoints do help me to realize I am not alone.
I wonder, as I do often, will these emotions EVER settle down?
I think what scares me is that I can be enjoying myself one moment and the next I can be miserable and instantly isolating. I realize there are positive choices I can make and yet I wonder if being isolating is being positive? I mean I am doing what I want to do when I don’t want to be around anyone, or by making myself be around people, when I would rather not. So why do I question?
Sometimes my heart beats very quickly or I get moments of flutters which I think is my blood pressure rising. I lose my appetite and if I do decide to eat, I go to emotional eating and want to eat something sweet and sugary. Not something I would choose if I weren’t feeling this way. I even did it tonight, which the food choice was pumpkin pie and whip cream. Not a large piece (average by many standards), but there are left overs in the fridge, dinner is nothing but a microwave heat up and I choose pumpkin pie and whip cream!
Then tomorrow if I weigh myself, I will be angry at the number I see on the scale because I feel the number defines who I am. Is a vicious circle!