It has not been a good day today. Since early this morning I have felt on edge, cranky and short fused. I went to SAFE today and being that this is the 1st week of my last 10 weeks, it was more about going over the roles, rules and expectations.
My anxiety is through the roof! I did my trigger sheet in therapy. I picked my topic which was about my dog’s nails on my flooring and how she walks up and down hallway. when she gets anxious. It drives me batty!! I’ve also found that it really triggers my anxiety and I become agitated. So while I was breaking down my comment, I noticed one reality was I think Lucy does this as a means of getting my attention when she really needs to go outside. The other reality was perhaps she had been at the door to go out and I didn’t hear her pawing the door. The last thing I realized was I was angry at my b/f for being at work for 14 hours and I was tired, wanting a break.
After my groups session was done, I realized my anxiety hadn’t settled at all, so I asked to speak to one of the co-facilitators. J sat down with me and I explained the Trigger with my dog’s nails and the other is my fear and anxiety of the end of this group; that I am worried that I haven’t really grasped much in the way of tools, that my mind set seems stuck and angry through most of the 20 weeks thus far. J, told me that I have two triggers going on. She suggested that we look at the 5 senses which are Sight, Sound, Smell, Touch and Taste. She suggested I think of things that I find soothing. Things like having a warm cup of herbal tea, lighting a candle, I like to light incense, listening to quiet music is another thing I like.
When I returned home, my mood hadn’t changed. I find when anxiety gets really bad, I clean a lot! At one point I said to my b/f “do you think I need to bleach the house?” I know it isn’t as clean as it should be. He said that he thought the house was just fine. I also said to him that if he wanted to break up with me that I would understand, he looked at me and asked where that came from? I said well its true, I am not stable, that I don’t know what my moods are going to be from one moment to another, that I didn’t blame him for wanting to get the hell out of dodge.
I do not understand how my moods can swing so erratically, or why some words are triggers and others aren’t. I am afraid of so many things, and when I am not afraid, I am angry! Its like being split in two and at times my thoughts become so overwhelmed that I struggle with processing.