I don’t want anyone around me. I have my wish granted. I am home, with my pets, the comforts of home, soothing my flat emotions. My b/f is out this evening, I had the opportunity to go, yet I chose to stay in. 

I had a really bad day yesterday and Monday evening. In a word… anxiety.  I don’t know what it is, however, it seems after a major episode, I want to stay in. I… feel… safer. I revert inwards. I know these are backwards steps, but right now they work for me. For how long… I don’t know. 

Yesterday I felt dismissed in a conversation I was having with someone, I’m not sure if that is what was intended, most likely not; but regardless, that’s how I felt. When I felt my heart begin to beat harder, and my blood feeling like it was pulsing faster. My thoughts began to race, things escape me right now, as to what caused the trigger. If I remember it, perhaps I will write about it and see if I can piece together the moments that caused all of this. 

There is no answer as to why I feel so debilitated and there is no time frame as to how long I will feel this way. Its frustrating, to not have a steady even keel with emotions; to know that when I wake up tomorrow, that my mood won’t be something unexpected, or afraid, or angry. 

I suppose I could be put on a mood stabilizer, but the ones we have tried so far, with the last being a couple of months ago, that one had me hallucinating things and I stopped taking it. I’m more or less hoping that my work with my naturopath will help sort some of the emotional stuff, hormones, etc. Its too early to say at this point. 

So for tonight, I rest comfortably, with all of my pets surrounding me. Safe within their arms.