I was triggered in group today. I don’t like to be challenged on my answers especially if it involves how I understand a definition of words. Yet instead of feeling calm; I feel angry. Angry that someone suggested that how I understand words, makes me wrong.
I have been reacting in anger too often. Its like a scab constantly bearing picked at, allowing it to bleed, then it scabs. The process starts all over again.
In our paperwork today there was a page that talks about finding our own triggers.
Triggers are things that happen in your life and in your mind that get you upset enough to self-harm. Different people are triggered by different things but there are some common themes that most people recognize.
- situations where people feel “rejected” (i.e. friend cancels a lunch date)
- situations where people feel “blamed” (i.e. co-worker blames you for losing a report)
- situations where people feel “inadequate” (i.e. someone else in group describing their progress and you’ve had a lousy week)
- situations where people feel they are “wrong” in some way or others are “wrong” in some way (i.e. you’re running late to get to work and as you’re backing out of the driveway, you notice the garbage collectors put your garbage can back in the center of the driveway.
I know for me that feeling rejected and abandoned are two very large triggers for me. Initially when I read the above 4 points, I thought my answer was inadequate, mind you it could very well be. But after reading it again, the feeling I felt was wronged. How dare someone challenge me and my understanding of the words “triggered” and “crisis”. I know what they mean, not only that, the explanation of both words was on the handout.
I felt judged and instantly irate. After our 10 minute break we worked on our trigger sheet and when it came to sharing our triggers, I initially wasn’t going to, I felt that if I did, I would hurt the person’s feelings. I hesitated at first, and then quietly said my trigger. I didn’t look at the person who questioned me, I felt embarrassed, as a child would for tattle tailing.
I chose to use my trigger sheet and try to break down why I felt the way I did. Nothing significant that I could see, really came to me. Usually I feel a sense of “a ha” when I do the trigger sheet.
Not long after we closed out our session, my therapist J came to me and said she would like to talk to me on Thursday morning, over the phone. J said that she would like to break down my trigger with me. I’m not sure how to take this. Either I’m really messed up, or its because the trigger happened in group.
Either way, I hope that I walk with a big of insight.