Overwhelmed


 

In the next 6 short weeks, my 30 weeks of SAFE is finished. Not only that, but I will have concluded a year and a half of weekly therapy sessions. This has me completely afraid and overwhelmed. I know I’m not ready to be on my own without support. I know that after I have completed programs in the past, for a short bit I do ok, but the moment a crisis happens, all of the tools I have ever learned, no longer in my head; and I end up back in therapy again. I am questioning whether I have some dissociation issues. 

 

I heard from the head facilitator of where I am attending. She wanted to see what plan I was thinking of putting in place after I have concluded. We had talked about the chances of continuing in my group, but unfortunately because the wait list is 3x as long as it is, I have to wait 6 months to return to re-take SAFE (if I want to). 

 

We talked about a group that I had first heard about when I started therapy, it is for sexual abuse survivors. She explained that I had written on my form that I had experienced physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse. The therapist said that sexual abuse didn’t have to mean penetration. We discussed what my situation was and she felt that I would benefit from the group, however, this group is presently full and the next one is next Fall 2013. I will have to register in April so I can be interviewed and then wait for the start date. I feel so multi-layered. I never saw myself this way before. 

 

I was either living with major depression and anxiety (at 24 years old) or myofascial pain syndrome (chronic pain) from my multiple car accidents (2002 and 2003) and so for years that’s what I have lived with, frustrated knowing that no matter how many times I sought out therapy to help me, I always went in with a chip on my shoulder because I hated that my brain wouldn’t be able to retain anything! 

 

I’m grateful for the therapist who helped me to get this ball rolling in the right direction. She has been a lifeline for me, it is unfortunate that our current mental health system only allows 5 visits with a mental health therapist and she is the first one who truly understands me.  It has been through her that got me lined up with my current therapy group. I called her yesterday to talk to her about this feeling of anxiety about the group coming to an end and what to do. 

 

We discussed the DBT program that I am on a waiting list to next take. I know that it is 21 weeks and is very intense.  However, I was just reading about a group here where I live, but it is not covered by our health care plan. But, I do see that the group sessions are 2 hours and cost approximately $95.00, to see a therapist individually it is $120 to $170 per hour. The benefit to attending at the DBT Center would be the access to various support groups and connection to others who are survivors and making changes with their lives. 

 

Yesterday, I spoke with a potential new therapist. I am going to see her for my first appointment next week. I will be paying out of pocket to see her and I am not sure how often my sessions with her will be. There are not many therapists who deal with BPD where I live, so getting a referral of someone who does have experience with it and is not far from me, I’m very happy with. 

 

So now I have to find a way to remember the tools I have learned, I have a binder full of paperwork of the lessons I have taken. Now if I could just remember to rely on it. . 

 

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