Today I met with my therapist for the second time. I really like her, she is direct, easy to talk to and goal orientated. Today we talked a bit more about the changes that are going on in my life, and how some of the action that is happening is all at once; thereby affecting me and how I am dealing with it.
Today we talked about my ex that I left 4 years ago, because as he police put it. “He is only going to get worse, your best recourse is to leave town” So I packed what I could into my Crown Victoria and took as much as I could to the Women’s Shelter where I had stayed in previous weeks.
About a year ago, my ex emailed me saying he had some of my belongings and he wanted to know if I wanted them. I asked what he had as I wanted to see if he was telling the truth or being manipulative (which is more like who he is). He told me and I realized he had something I wanted. My parents wedding album. You need to understand, that is the only piece of my life that is my biological parents. I don’t have any photos of going through school, social events, family events etc. Having that small piece of my family, gave me a sense of being connected to something. Anything to back up how I came into this world.
She asked me what I thought his position is with keeping my stuff and then not sending it. I told her I think it is manipulation. I told her that every so often he will email me and say that he will Greyhound it to me as soon as he is home longer than two days and if he remembers! The last part really pisses me off! You email me, you tell me what you have of mine, after I have accepted that I was never going to see it again anyways and yet a year later, I am no closer to having anything anyways!
J asked how we met, so I told her the story. We realized in our session, that even if he sends me my stuff, there is no guarantee that I will never hear from him again. He is very likely to keep things as a means of having contact with me. She agrees, he is a dangerous person and understands why I have not given him my address to send my stuff to. That I am fine for it to go to Greyhound here in my hometown and I will pick it up. Hell I even said I would pay for it on arrival.
I told her that my mother is doing the same thing. A few weeks ago, she emailed me saying she had photos and stuff for me, that had been in a box in her basement. That it is a box she has had for over 30 years and now she wanted to get rid of it because she feels it is time to let it go. She also thought it would give me closure. I agreed. Mom asked for my address and said she would send it off. As you can see by my statement, that hasn’t happened.
What is it with people who have things that are mine, or would benefit me greatly, and then not send them? It isn’t like I asked either of these people! As I said to J, I feel like I am a marionette and I am being moved by whomever feels I can do the least amount of damage to. It has been suggested I contact my ex’s spouse and see if she knows where my stuff is and if possible to send it to me.
I am not comfortable with that. Why, you may ask? Simply put, if she doesn’t know, then it opens up a wound in her life, that she doesn’t deserve to go through. If she does know that he has it, who knows what he has told her in terms of words. I over the years we were together, he always had one foot out the door. Meaning, he would tell you what you wanted to hear and keep the truth to himself. He always has a plan, he is always onto his next step. Never trusted anyone, law enforcement or friendships.
Same with my family.
At the end of our session, J said that she is going to work with a specific goal that will help us push through this stuff. She said there is so much in the way of events that have happened in my life, that it is too easy to become bogged down and get off track.
I am very tired, I am thinking a manic is about to happen, the last few days I’ve not gone to bed much before 3am and sleeping maybe 5 hours. Not a good combination, not good at all.
I am going to see my G.P. in a couple of days, to discuss the changing of my medication and to discuss getting a psychiatrist.