Today I woke up super pissed off. A variety of things have gone on for me this week and my boyfriend has been on the receiving end of it. If not him, than my pets. Both of which I feel terrible about. I raise my voice and that is enough to make everyone run the other way.
This morning at therapy, I told my therapist all of this and she asked how that was working for me. I said, not very well. She asked me if I knew what C and my pets must feel and I said that everyone shuts down.
She said that instead of going to those that want to support me, I push them away. So I do the opposite. At one point C and I got into a bit of an argument. My therapist said that she saw me shut down and yet she saw C full of emotion.
Later on during our session, my therapist said that my behavior is classic borderline. Meaning I have a lot of emotions going on in my head all at once. She is hoping to teach me how to think and process what I feel before I say them. Right now, everything in my head, just comes right out of my mouth and as my emotions aren’t processed before I say anything, the words are hurtful and once said they don’t go away, ever.
I’ve been in tears off and on. I don’t like to cry, again my therapist asked me what I was feeling, I said numb, tired, sad, flat. I found I felt this way on Tuesday after group therapy.
I am going to work on doing some mindfulness first thing when I wake up. Maybe give it 15 minutes to start with. The idea is to get me to focus on me first thing, take care of my mind, body and soul, THEN focus on the duties of my home, pets etc.
All I know, is right now, I am exhausted.