I’m restless, there I said it.
I’m home, surrounded by my pets and my boyfriend, life is pretty dam good. Yet my head is doing the roller coaster ride of crap that has my mind feeling cluttered.
I felt happiness today, my cousin came to visit, no one comes to visit, ever! She works with animals and is able to clip my dog’s nails. He is not an easy client lol, but 3 of us managed to get it done. You know, its amazing how wiry your pet can get, when he really doesn’t want to have something done!!
I had acupuncture today. After last weeks group discussion on self harm, I find I am wanting to focus on things that can help contribute to my well being. We also did some ultrasound on my right hip and my right shoulder. Seems my chronic pain from my past car accidents and frozen shoulder have decided to resurface. I once had a therapist mention to me that our bodies hold our emotions. When I first heard this, I had been having my first acupuncture session and the points that were done were in my face. Hours later I was overcome with mass amounts of anxiety and crying, like I hadn’t in a very long time. I realized then, that maybe there is some true about our bodies holding in emotions.
I have heard a few times from a few people that they have seen positive changes in me. I don’t know how I feel about this. I also don’t know what they are referring to when they say they see positive changes. What does that look like?
I’ve always had trouble with saying “thank you” when some pays me a compliment. I feel like I am being set up for someone else’s amusement. I’ve also realized how fearful I am. I’m afraid if my home isn’t perfect in being clean and tidy, that someone will know and report me. To whom I have no idea, I just know that someone will.
Yesterday I cleaned my car from top to bottom. I was feeling restless, emotions were all climbing around inside my head. As I have become more aware of what it is I am doing, the more vulnerable I am feeling. I feel the cracks becoming bigger in what I have known to be me.
Tomorrow is group therapy, my second to last meeting. I’ve spoken to my former therapist at the Mental Health Clinic I first went to. She is helping me get set up for a group called Interpersonal Group Therapy. The following day is my follow up with my family doctor, I want to see if he has forwarded a request off for me to see a psychiatrist and given how long the wait lists are these days, I don’t want my referral sitting on his desk any longer than necessary. Later in the week it is my one on one therapy with J.
I started my work book The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook . For those that don’t know what I’m referring to, check out this link http://www.amazon.ca/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131. As I am just starting out in it, I don’t have much to report on yet.