And so the outburst lashes…..

Well I just lashed out at my boyfriend.

His parents called on skype, wanting to finalize his landing details etc.  He is going home for the holidays. He has 2 little girls and he will see them for Christmas. In light of recent events on Friday, I don’t blame him for wanting to be with his daughters.

His mother wanted to say “hi” to me and I said no. My boyfriend had his headphones on and I could hear her. I told him to tell them, I am not happy that he is leaving and yet again I am on my own. So his mother pressed and he told them. Not long after he hung up with them, and I said “it isn’t like anyone effin’ understands what I go through. That his family doesn’t give a crap about me, all they care about is him and him alone. That I don’t do the “be nice” crap. He got up and I said I’m sorry, I suppose I could be  more sympathetic, but I just can’t and he replied that he wishes there was something he could do to make things better. He then came in and asked if he could make me some tea and I said no, I don’t want anything.

Now the house is awkward and he is in other room, where he most likely will stay til he goes to bed and even then, he may wait til I am asleep. Great, so much for having some intimacy before he is gone for 22 days. Have I said how much I hate holidays? Have I said how much I hate having a mental illness and the complexities that go with it? People have no idea what I live with. People have no idea that it is not as simple as “get dressed and make yourself go out”.
I can feel the rage inside along with knowing that my behavior is not a good thing . Yet, the words still come out of my mouth.
Distress tolerance, I have been doing it all weekend, yet at this time, I just feel…. done.