Invisible Wounds

I have no idea what to title this blog. 

I have been feeling progressively more and more within and down. 

Tomorrow is my 44th birthday, I don’t have any plans and even if I did, I’m not sure I would do anything, because I don’t want to leave my house or my pets. They make me feel loved and appreciated. 

Some will say I put my pets before my partner or even myself and I openly admit I do. Call it transference if you want. However, when you have lived a life of chaos, drama, and so much anger that you do not know if you ever going to come out of it, my pets have stood by me, supported me, licked my tears away when they fell down my face.  Unconditional love is something I have starved for my entire life. 

In therapy we talked about my family dynamic. I have no emotion at all. I talk like it is a story, condensed and forthright. I do own what is my contribution and I have never denied that. If I have memory lapses, which is to do with dis-associative disorder and not me seeking attention or blaming someone other than myself! If you are wondering if I have heard that sentence before, I have, more times than I can count. 

Today I am flat, but my heart feels heavy. I’m tired and wonder if maybe tears will fall down my face, probably not because for some reason I seem to have lost the ability to feel. Or maybe it is just around the topic of family and the losses around it??

My psychiatrist appointment has been booked for March 2013. Yes, it is a few months away, but it is a start, I for one can’t wait, I want to get off the meds I’m on as they clearly are not helping me and probably haven’t for years.  

I’ve been thinking of my distress tolerance tools that I very recently put together. I have lit a candle and some incense in the hopes the smell will soothe my inner voice and the light of the candle, flickering will cast shadows that will dance on my wall. I did pick up some shortbread cookies as I have always loved them, as well as a container of mixed nuts. Mixed nuts were a family favorite at Christmas. 

I’ve not decorated, I don’t know the last time I did. Other than a string of lights in the kitchen, which I put up as a hope of finding the spirit of the Holidays. I’ve not picked up or out any holiday gifts, who would I buy for?  When I shop for someone, I do so with personality in mind, as well as how our dynamic is. I can’t shop for my family, if I have nothing to do with them, I feel like I am lying to myself, and again doing so makes me think I am yet again seeking their approval and that is something I do NOT need. Everything I have accomplished I have done so on my own, without any support, so why lie to myself now? 

I remind myself I am not alone, that there are unfortunately too many people in this world who are alone for the holidays.  This is also one of the highest times for suicide and attempted suicide. I know I’ve seen an increase in that, all you need to do is watch the news and notice the increase in violence to realize that is what is happening. 

I’m so tired, its been a hard week; with the conclusion of my SAFE group, with my boyfriend leaving for his home town, my birthday tomorrow and of course the top off of the Season… Christmas. 

I’ve been thinking of going to the cemetery and place some flowers on there for everyone. Spend some time in the peace and quiet of nature that surrounds the cemetery.  I struggle though with going, but it seems I struggle with everything right now. 

I am reminding myself that at least I have learned a few tools, and perhaps I could touch on them, work on them. Maybe read some of my book, but it feels like I have completely lost interest in learning right now. 

Apparently a band aid is already pulling away and my hairs on my body are going with them….