I struggle with many emotions every single day.
Am I happy, sad, angry…. these seem simple compared to what I feel deep inside.
Inside I feel anguish, shame, guilt, embarrassment, those are what really eat me up.
Today is my birthday and I have received many birthday wishes; of which I do feel grateful for. I had also been invited out for a get together with friends and I turned it down. My answer is simply, I feel safer at home. Yet, my heart hurts. My heart hurts because I miss having a hug or kiss from someone who cares for me. My boyfriend is away visiting his family. This is our third Christmas of having to do this and each year it is getting much harder on me. More than I realized.
I went to the grocery store today and realized that the busyness of the parking lot and the music in the store, made me feel broken inside; the reality of realizing how alone and dead inside I feel.
I have come go realize I am alive for my animals. I am their mom and they depend on me. I realized that if I took my life, that I could be dead in my home for a number of days and no one would know, and my animals would be scared and become very hungry. It wouldn’t be pretty.
I don’t talk about things like that, I don’t like to. I don’t want people to know that part of me even exists.
Shame….god even seeing the word makes my stomach turn.
I found this quote and it resonates with me:
Toxic shame, on the other hand, isn’t about making a mistake. It’s about feeling like you are a mistake: intrinsically bad based on the fact that you exist. If other people find out about your “badness,’ they will surely leave you. Toxic shame can come from parents who criticized their children and made them feel unworthy of being loved; or perhaps the child didn’t get affection, empathy and validation from their primary caretakers.
The last sentence structure is what really hit home with me.
Toxic shame can come from parents who criticized their children and made them feel unworthy of being loved; or perhaps the child didn’t get affection, empathy and validation from their primary caretakers.
That is exactly how I feel.
Suddenly, my heart just dropped even more from being surrounded safely inside my left breast. Its all starting to come together. How am I going go get through this?
I have been self harming a lot today and ever since C left for his vacation. I know I need to be caring about me, but I just don’ seem that important to me. I realize now it is because I feel shame. I feel shame that my toxic family, has never made me feel wanted, appreciated and most importantly loved.