I have been in a rage for most of today. It seems like everything I see and hear instantly causes me to be pissed off. My cat Ella, anytime she goes to my blinds she bats them and it drives me crazy! She is such a demanding little diva. I’ve sprayed her with my water bottle and that does work for a short while but eventually she will make her way back to her perch. See, she seems to think if she bats the blinds long enough, I will cave and feed her. If she wins, its because I am tired of yelling at the top of my lungs and scaring my other pets.
I feel like a pathetic loser! Seriously, how do I become so freaked out about something like a cat batting the blinds, or hearing my dog walking up and down the hallway tapping his or her nails on the floor that if I don’t catch myself, I would throw a cup at the target causing me grief?
I happened to be looking at my calendar today and saw that today is a full moon. I don’t know about any of you, but I do know, that when there is a full moon, I do find my emotions and hormones do seem to become super heightened.
So, one moment I am this raging, hateful woman who is scaring all her animals. Then when that phase passes, I feel absolutely terrible and I am apologizing to each and every one of them. The guilt I feel is so consuming, you would think I would be crying and hysterical in begging for forgiveness, but that seldom happens.
I hate that everyday I wake up with never knowing how I will be.
I hate that I live with a mental illness.
I hate that I deal with something that was caused by trauma in my childhood.
I am also very tired of hearing “you didn’t have control then, but you do now”. Umm, yea I know. However, just because I know that I have control, doesn’t always mean I HAVE control. Two very different things.
I’ve tried counting anything, stopping myself before I speak, holding my breath, knitting, lighting a candle, lighting incense, and taking my dogs outside. I have found that turning down the tv and making the room I’m in quieter seems to help some.
I did text my therapist and updated her as to what was happening.
I did chat with my guy about all of this, but he feels helpless as to what he can do. Not to mention he is away visiting his family for the Christmas break.
I seriously feel like I am at my wits end… February can not get her fast enough.