Feeling Numb

I have not been writing like I need to be. So I have gathered a few thoughts and am sharing them here.

I’m stressing about C not working (his industry has been having some serious issues) and us living on my disability pension. Its really affecting me mentally. I worry about gas and where we go and if we really need to go there. I tell him it isn’t about him, its the fact I have had to live this way before and I have gone without.

I am also having flashbacks to when I was a kid and the expectation was I would pick up the slack, and take care of stuff. Once the emergency was over, so was the expectation. However, the feeling of expectation and reliance never left me.

My great Uncle passed away recently. He was my grandfather’s brother and I know that may mean another funeral where my mother will be present. There are other issues with the people who my Uncle was staying with and I had a run in with one of them this week. She subsequently blocked me from my Uncle’s FB account.  Apparently she is the one who set up his account and notified people of his passing. The trouble I have is she kept changing his profile picture and it was annoying the hell out of me.

I have been feeling very frustrated. This week I have been to an orthotist appointment (really need orthotics) because I am in a lot of pain with plantar fasciitis, today it was my family doctor to get medication refills and for him to sign the government form required to get my orthotics covered.  Tomorrow is the psychiatrist who is runs the outpatient psychiatry group that I have been referred to by the mental health team who have been working with me. I do not know when the next group starts as of yet, because I have to find out if I will be deemed a “good fit”. This group runs 3 mornings a week.

I don’t know if I can do this. I also have an appointment for therapy on Feb. 4 and that costs $80 plus I owe her $120 for previous appts. I also have my naturopath appointment to do with my hormone stuff and that is $60. I have remembered that I have a credit at their office so I am going to see if I can put my acupuncture towards the credit.



This is worth the read! For the first time in my life, when other areas have started to slowly make sense, this blog comes along and BAM its like reading another piece of my puzzle is starting to finally have a home. I look forward to learning more.

Tackling BPD

All children are programmed to trust adults. This makes perfect sense as children are dependent on adults for all their needs for a long time. But unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world – not everyone who has responsibility for a child is up to the job, and even very good parents inevitably make mistakes. If you were mistreated as a child in any way – abused physically, sexually or emotionally or had your feelings and experiences invalidated it would be natural for you to think that you were the one at fault. And of course, we know that the nastiest abusers take advantage of that tendency by explicitly blaming the child and provoking even more feelings of guilt.

So as a child if you are being made to suffer by an adult it is normal to assume that it is your fault – maybe there’s something wrong with you? Are…

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Automatic Thoughts

I have been watching an episode of Dr. Phil today. His topic was on people whose perception of themselves is not what they see. During the show, Dr. Phil talked about “Automatic Thoughts”.  He said that Automatic Thoughts are words that have been ingrained in your brain that you can probably say them to yourself perhaps 30 times a day. But when they are ingrained, it can be said 10,000 a day.

I watched as a 15 year old girl struggles to not believe that she’s fat, that’s she’s ugly, that she doesn’t belong here, that her mother doesn’t love her. I was watching my life. I had told my boyfriend as he was watching it with me, that this young girl is talking about me.

After Dr. Phil did some one on one work with her, he guided her to the middle of the stage and asked the audience if she had suffered long enough and if so to clap. He asked his wife, Robin why she stood up. Robin said that she feels this young girl is precious, that she is beautiful and that she can be anything she wants to be. After she spoke, Dr. Phil says to his wife, “You want to hug her, don’t you”. Robin replied “yes, I have wanted to since she came on stage”.

When I saw that happen, the only thing that came to my mind was although Robin’s hug probably felt amazing, I couldn’t help but feel that all she really wanted was her mother’s love to be shown to her. To feel her mother’s hugs and reassurance that she is loved and wanted. Ok, perhaps that is my personal feeling versus the girl’s but I really didn’t get that impression that I was far off.

After the show, I went to http://www.Dr.Phil.com and looked up the links discussed. I found one on Body Dysmorphic Disorder as well as Eliminating your Negative Dialogue. The link to this is http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/4.

I am really wondering if I will ever be able to erase my negative thoughts.



Stand Up For Mental Health

This appeared in my feed this morning. Not entirely sure how, I think a friend referred me to a blog on someone dealing with depression and I learned of this valuable campaign

Its called Stand Up For Mental Health and its purpose is to end the stigma of people living with mental illness. 



It is a hugely informative site and I encourage you all to read and join! I plan on putting a button on my blog page, so that anyone and everyone can read and learn. 

Be informed, make a change, let’s stop the stigma!

I laughed!!

I went to Zumba tonight and I was excited! I wanted to go and listen to the beat of the music run through my body and boy did it ever! 

At first I had to reprogram my brain to which song we were doing and the moves lol. Once I started to remember, some parts came to me very easily. This excited me! I was getting it, may not be smoothly, but I’m getting it! 

F, our instructor, she just lights up a room! Her animated features and her smiles are contagious and for that it started to radiate with me. I became a little silly at times and I was ok with that, seriously, I was starting to have fun! 

I will admit, I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I seriously don’t like what I see. But I realized that if I am in the middle of the room, which is also right where she is, when she faces the mirror, she blocks my view! Plus, I can count the steps and movements she does. F is really good at pointing to which foot to start with, usually in advance.  I also realized when I focused too much, things became awkward and I would stop and get a drink of water, or towel off. I know this about me, when I feel uncomfortable, I stop what I am doing and distract myself so no one else can see my awkward moves. 

But, I wanted to keep trying, I had hope that I would start to get more moves. Slowly but surely, my memory and her moves that were more cardio and less Zumba, came back to me in a blink. This gave me more encouragement. I can do this!! 

After class was over, we all chit chatted for a few minutes. I still didn’t interact too much, but I did listen and laugh. The ladies seem to be a little more relaxed as well, so there were more smiles this time. 

I checked with the front desk on a Wednesday class and the place where there is one still has spots open!! When I get part of my disability cheque, I am going to go and register because I have decided that doing Zumba twice a week and doing the half mile walk 4 to 5 days a week with our dogs, feels pretty great! The weather this morning was crisp, sunshine peaking out through the fog. 

Tonight’s shower felt pretty dam good!



The subtle self harm

I have read and spoken with many over the years who have self harmed usually externally. Cutting or burning themselves is usually how it is done. For some it is binge drinking til they pass out. For others like me it is emotional eating and cutting my hair or pulling my hair out. 

Late this afternoon, I was triggered. Tonight while in the bathroom I noticed through my poorly self cut hair that there were grey hairs. Well I took my tweezers and started pulling them one by one. If I missed, I pulled a clump of hair. I just realized this now, that this is my form of self harm. I do it, not only because I want to not admit I am aging, but because when I pull and the hair doesn’t come out, it burns my scalp. I feel the sting on my scalp. 

I’ve noticed as I’ve become aware, that anytime I am stressed, triggered or miserable, I take a pair of scissors and start to cut my hair. I had always figured it was because I am broke. I’ve also felt embarrassed and ashamed that I don’t have money to get a simple hair cut. 

So not only do I deal with my ED, I now realize I cut and pull my hair out when I can’t deal with the negative feelings on the inside. I sit here with a stinging scalp and ears that feel warm to the touch, I know they feel that way, because that is where the sensation radiated too. 

Self harm doesn’t always have to be an external scar or scab.


Daddy Says…..

Daddy has called Mama
“dog whisperer” a few times. We was wonderin’ what he meant by dat so mama asked him. 

Daddy says that mama understands animals deeper than just the surface. Hmmm, so we as a pack barked about dis and we all agreed. Mama does have dis special way of understanding all animals. She always seems to know how to lub us, she always seems to know what we all need. She is one of the bestest people when it comes to doing a rescue. She just knows what we need when we first meet. 

Before you assume that mama runs her pack by the man who is known as the “Dog Whisperer”. She doesn’t, she uses her instincts and common sense. Mama doesn’t believe in using force, she believes in using love and understanding. When we are scared, she uses her soft voice. When we are angry, she uses encouraging words and will wait things out til we aren’t angry anymore. When she is teaching us something, she uses one word commands. She isn’t afraid to come down to our level whether it be on grass or in dirt and  play with us; she sits up with us at night when we aren’t ourselves. She loves to give cuddles and snuggles, never worries if we get dog hair on the bed.

May you all be blessed to have someone who lubs you as much as our mama does.