I have a bunch of words jumbled in my head at the moment. I actually felt frozen when trying to form a title for this blog and well…. I dunno yet what I will call it.
Yesterday’s therapy went pretty good.
We talked about my Sh’ing and the shame, I realized I have been feeling for all of my life. We broke my years of anorexia, bulimia and now emotional eating down. I realized I didn’t do this to be thin, I did this because I wanted my mom to see I was worthy of her attention. I lived and breathed everything she did. I remember watching her measure her foods when she was on a particular program. I remember the tape measuring. I took the tape measure and magazines that had various exercises in them and did them every night. The sit ups, the measurements, I remember weighing my food. I did it all, yet it wasn’t enough, now not only do I not have a relationship with my mother, I am now angry with the way I look due to having 3 car accidents and a complete hysterectomy. I’ve turned to emotional eating, to stuff my emotions down. So the last couple of years I have put on 47 pounds, most comes from my hysterectomy.
I had always been athletic as a child, through to adult hood. When I was 25 I joined Martial Arts. I instantly fell in love with the sport! I loved sparring, I loved doing katas (forms), I loved the respect factor. The most important part though was having a place to tune out the daily chaos of my life back then.
My therapist wants me to look into doing an activity that I would really enjoy doing. We talked about my bucket list and how I would love to go hot air ballooning, or go skiing. I did mention I have wanted to try Zumba. She said that was an excellent choice because it is fun, social and gets me out of the house.
The isolation going on puzzles me because at one time I was a social person. Granted I didn’t like being home or on my own, so that was a big reason you could find me playing pool, or at a local watering hole on a Wednesday night. If I was home, I was usually on the phone, it was always something so I wasn’t in my space, in the quiet.
Now, I am home and sure I go to my appointments (most of the time) and take care of my animals. I also help out on animal rescues where I drive to pick up the transport of the animals, and deliver them to the foster or adopted home.
I do like to work in my garden in the Spring on through to the Fall. I find peace and tranquility whenever I can touch trees and walk among a forest. My therapist said this is good as a coping skill, however, she wants me to look at things that I really, truly have fun with.
She asked me what are the main components that give you a balanced life. I said, sleep, nutrition, a calm environment and she said what else? I couldn’t think of anything. She said fun and social activity. She said that the components that make our lives balanced, are the same ones that people with Depression also struggle with.
My therapist has given me homework. Yes, you read right, homework! I am to look into doing an activity that not only is fun, but is social and gets me out of the house as she suspects its been a long time since I have done anything for fun. She is right. Its been at least 10-15 years since I remember doing something I loved and had fun with. So this week my homework is to continue with my DBT workbook and to look into activities that I like that I will have fun with.
However, I have told her, it isn’t making the plans that are hard, it is the day of, where I freeze up and don’t go.